


Crybaby

by sinigangtrash



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, America being America (Hetalia), Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Homophobia, Homosexuality, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Minor Character Death, Near Death, Oral Sex, Original Character Death(s), Rating: M, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Smut, Some Humor, Suicide Attempt, spamano - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:11:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19404592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinigangtrash/pseuds/sinigangtrash
Summary: Living with his mother, grandfather, and two younger brothers, Lovino Vargas has never had an easy life. His father disappeared when he could barely walk and talk yet, and he never saw him since. To make things worse, his mother had him at a young age, so she never really paid much attention to him.Neglected from a young age, Lovino found that other than his brothers and grandfather, the only person who had genuinely cared about him was his childhood best friend, Antonio. His brothers and best friend promised to keep his homosexuality a secret from his homophobic and abusive mother, but things take a dark turn when Lovino's father returns - more than ten years later.





	1. wish you were gay

“Then…I’ll see you tomorrow, right? Tomorrow is Saturday, so I won’t be doing anything, really.”  
“Yeah.”

She grins and throws her arms around me. “Cool. Ten in the morning, at my place? Do you think your mom will mind?”  
I shake my head. “Nah, she’s always drinking herself to sleep, dammit. If anything, it’s my grandfather who’d be interested in the fact that I’ve been invited over to a girl’s house.”

“But we’re childhood friends,” she snorts. “Sheesh, Lovino. That’s…weird.”  
“I know, I know,” I laugh. “Anyway, I’ll see you…tomorrow…”  
“Cool. Do your homework.”  
“You, too. Stay off TikTok.”  
“Ugh. Dork.”

Clarisse and I have known each other since we were in the fourth grade -- we met when we found out we were both exchange students, attending a school in America. She’s always been a girl with a pumped-up, energetic attitude. It’s either that, or she’s complaining about the stupid people in our grade.  
For some reason, she and I keep ending up in the same class every year. It’s fucking strange.  
It’s been…eight years since we met. We’re both on the verge of graduating, and though I constantly fill her days with snarky comments here and there, I’ve been doing my best on looking after her. Clarisse is like a little sister to me.  
I’ve always been capable of taking note of everything about her -- her birthday, her extremely long list of ex-boyfriends, her taste in music…  
She recently cut her hair into a short bob -- and I had joked around, asking her if someone had dumped her again. Which, of course, ended with a slap to the face, followed by a string of insults in both Filipino and English.

\--

To my surprise, my mother opens the door as soon as I knock. She never answers the door - usually it’s my brother or my grandfather.

“You’re late,” she spits, stepping back to let me in.  
“Five minutes late,” I snort. “Is it really that much of a fucking deal?”  
My mother gives a sigh. “We need to talk about your grades, Lovino.”

“Then can’t we do it inside? It’s fucking embarrassing -- standing out here like this.”  
“Nobody’s watching you.”  
“Oh, my God.”  
“Come inside.”

Oh, well. At least she isn’t drunk for once. Almost every day of my life, it’s as if she doesn’t even exist. She’s always fucking wasted.  
Not like I care, of course. She doesn’t give a shit about my existence. My mother only cares about the fact that my younger brother is achieving high grades and scoring all the girls. As for me, so far, I’ve only gotten that second point down.  
And she doesn’t really love Feliciano. She only spoils him, because she thinks that his unending charisma will earn him a sweet job in the future.

**Good job = money = my mother gets her share.**

Again, I don’t give a shit.

I walk inside, slowly shutting the door. My little brother Feliciano -- who’s two years younger than me, runs over to give me a hug. “Hiiiiiiiiii!!”  
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Do your fucking homework. You slack off too much, dammit.”  
“But you slack off too, fratello,” Feliciano pouts. “You’re always sleeping!! Not to mention that you’ve always got this pretty girl hanging around with you, but you never invite her home!! Why is that?”  
My bag drops to the floor, and I give a huff of annoyance. “That’s because our house is a fucking shithole. End of story, I’m going to bed.”

I stop in my tracks as soon as I feel my mother’s hands press down firmly on my shoulders. Her touch sends a chill down my spine. “Wait. Didn’t I say we were going to talk about your grades?”  
“It’s not like you fucking care anyway!!” I yell. “I’m going to bed. None of you fuckers care about me. None of you.”

“I don’t,” she snorts, “but your grandfather does. I’m going upstairs to sleep, Feliciano is going to a friend’s house, so why don’t you sit down here with your grandfather for a bit?”  
“I--”  
“That’s an order.”

I clench my hands into fists, but walk over to my grandfather anyway, who’s sitting on the sofa. Besides Feliciano, he’s the only one who’s ever really cared about me. Ever since my father disappeared, my mother’s become like this.

  
This…fucking _hag_.

  
What about my father? What even was he to her? Not much, I guess. Maybe the fucking hag was too dense to even see anything special about him.  
I haven’t seen my father…at all.  
I have no trace of him in my life, because he disappeared when I was at around three years old, and Feliciano was only one. I don’t remember his voice, the way he looked, the way he was…I just don’t remember anything.  
Hell, I don’t even know what happened to him. Maybe my mother really was too blind to see anything in him, so she divorced him. Maybe he could see she was a bitch, so he divorced her. Maybe they couldn’t even get legally married in the first place. Or maybe he just…left.

Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. He’s gone, and that’s that. Love is stupid, anyway.  
I’m fine with -- well, more than fine, actually -- with the fact that I’m popular with the girls at school. But I don’t want to get into an actual relationship. And there are two reasons as to why.  
The first being the fact that I don’t want to spend all of my time and effort on someone, only to get my heart broken shortly after, and, well…

The fact that…I’m not actually really into girls.  
And that’s…one of the main reasons why my mother just denies my existence most of the time.

Because I’m gay. Haha. How nice.

…Fucking bullshit.

“How is school?” Nonno asks, putting his hand over mine. I flinch at his touch. I never say so, but I’m damn grateful for him -- I love him so much, to the point I almost always start crying whenever we have a talk together. He’s the closest I’ll ever have to a dad.  
I give a little shrug. “I…don’t know.” I raise my head, and raise an eyebrow. “Just like always? Fucking bullshit?”  
“Aww. Did something happen?”  
“No, my life is just shit. I don’t even know anymore. It’s as if I don’t have a purpose. Are we really going to talk about my grades?”

My grandfather chuckles. “I don’t think there’s any need to. After all…how many times have we had a talk about your grades dropping, exactly? And the amount of fights you’ve gotten in with the other boys in your school?”  
I snort. “True.”

  
“What about that girl you’re always with? What was her name -- Christine?”  
“Clarisse,” I sigh. “We’re…nothing, really.”  
A smirk creeps onto his face. “Oh, are you sure?”  
“Yeah,” I mumble quietly, tilting my head upwards -- making sure my mother wasn’t present in the lounge room. “I just…don’t feel anything special around her.”

“What about any of the other girls?” he asks.  
“N-no.” My cheeks are beginning to feel hot, and I’m slightly shaking. “I-I don’t think it’s ever gonna happen. You wouldn’t get it. It’s…complicated.”  
Nonno shrugs. “Maybe the right girl just hasn’t…met you yet?”  
“T-that’s not it!!”

He glances towards me, a little stunned at first -- before smiling again. “I’m only joking, Lovino.”  
“Y-you wouldn’t fucking understand,” I whisper, already on the verge of tears. “I…”  
“I understand,” he laughs. “I understand perfectly.”  
“The sketches of men under my bed,” I mumble, still shaking. “The feminine clothing. The countless photos and albums of-”  
“Male celebrities,” my grandfather sighs, finishing my sentence. He looks up at me again. “So I was right? You weren’t just a fan?”  
“Please,” I snort. “Oh, but appearance is only one thing, though…hmmm…”

  
He gives me the thumbs up, a big grin spreading across his face. “Grandpa understands!!”  
“Ugh. It’s fucking embarrassing. Please don’t tell Mom or Feliciano.”  
“I won’t, ahahaha. I was a romantic man at your age, but I certainly wasn’t entirely straight, no!”  
“Bisexual?” I guess.  
“Si!!”

"Good. Again, don’t tell anyone, or I’ll dig a hole and die.”  
“Deal!! But, uhh…”  
“Hmm?”  
“Improve your grades, and study harder!!”

  
“Debatable.” I give a small and shy smile, before walking upstairs to my room. “…Thanks, dammit.”

\--

I hear a knock on the door, and put my phone down on the desk. “Sleeping. Go away.”  
“Huhhhh? But fratello…I found something that’s yours…”  
Ah, shit. It’s just Feliciano. “Just leave it on the floor.”  
“Ah, but the thing is…I was thinking you probably wouldn’t want Mom to see it lying around…”  
“Huh?” I open the door, and gape at my brother in horror. In his arms is one of the dresses I bought online.  
“Hmm?”

  
“F-Feliciano, where did you-“


	2. you have a cute butt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lovino's mother and grandfather leave for a business trip lasting for five days, they decide that although Lovino is eighteen, he can't be trusted staying over at Clarisse's house. Instead, Lovino's best friend, Antonio - offers to spend the next few nights with him at his house.
> 
> Only problem? Lovino is head-over-heels in love with Antonio, and he tries to do everything he can to hide it.

“Ahahahaha, of course I won’t tell her, silly.”  
I’m mortified, still blankly staring at Feliciano. “I-I…I’m not entirely feminine, though. Th-that’s not what makes me, well…gay. I just--”  
“I know,” he whispers, looking down at the floor. “You have your masculine attributes, too. You can’t define someone’s gender preference based on their femininity or masculinity.”

I’m a little taken aback. Sure, I’ve always made fun of Feliciano’s happy-go-lucky personality -- the fact that he’s always had this…strange, overly feminine personality, but I never thought he’d actually understand.

“I’m pansexual,” he says with a smile. “And I have a boyfriend, too!”  
Woaaaahhh. Feliciano has a boyfriend? “Y-you do?”  
“Yeah!! You remember the friend I introduced you to? Ludwig?”  
My stomach lurches at the thought. “The stupid macho potato bastard…?”  
“Yeah~”  
“Idiot. Why are you so…calm about it?”  
Feliciano tilts his head to the side. “What do you mean, fratello?”  
“He’s…gross,” I mumble. “Scary, too. Really tall and scary. He could make anyone shit their pants.”  
“Ah, I thought you’d understand,” he says, his voice faltering a bit. “I forgot that you don’t like him.”  
I bite my lip, and give a sigh. Though I had made it clear many, many times that I don’t like his friend, I know that if he’s happy, then that’s all that matters. After all, I’m the big brother. “I still don’t like him, but he treats you well, doesn’t he? Dammit…”  
“Yeah~”  
“Then I’m fine with it, as long as the bastard doesn’t pull anything shady on you,” I say, shrugging. “I can’t really do anything about it, I guess.”  
Feliciano grins. “Yaaaaayyy!! Thanks, fratello~”  
“It’s alright. Now get the fuck out of my room.”  
“Ah, okayyyyyyy!”

\--

I…can’t fucking believe it.

I came out to two people. In the same fucking day. Oh, shit.

Hmm.

My best friend pokes me on the top of my head. “Lovino. Yoooooooooooooo. Dude.”  
“Alfred. Stop touching me. It’s fucking annoying.”  
“Bro, I won’t be able to hang out with you and Clarisse for long, though,” he says. “I have to go home, and do homework.”  
“Oooh. Alfred doing homework for once.”  
“Shut it, limey!!”  
“Fucking bullshit, man.”  
“Oiiiiii!! No McDonald’s for you this afternoon.”  
“I think I’m pretty damn fine with that. I don’t need to live a life looking like a fucking balloon because of motherfucking burgers.”

Alfred gapes at me. “Bro, you callin’ me fat? You look like James Charles. Lanky bitch.”  
I roll my eyes. “Al, I don’t even wear makeup. I’m not that feminine. I work out and shit.”  
“Dude, you sayin’ girls don’t work out?”  
“You calling me a girl now?”  
“UuuuuuuUuUuuUUuUUuUU”  
“Oof.”

He grins. “Hey, isn’t there someone you like at the moment, though?”  
I roll my eyes. “I keep telling you, there isn’t.” I keep telling everyong else, too.  
“What about your other friend? Wasn’t his name--”  
“Antonio,” I mumble. “But we’re just friends.” I’m not going to deny that he’s attractive, though. But I obviously can’t say that.  
Alfred grins. “Sure, dude. We’ll talk about it later. I have to go, y’know. My mom just texted me, and she’s mad.”

“Yeah,” I say, letting out a sigh. “It’s alright. See you at school on Monday.”

\--

“…Eh?”

“Yeah,” Nonno mumbles. “Your mom and I are going to be away for the next five days, so you’ll be staying at home with your friend, Antonio. He said it’d be okay to stay with you here, at home. As much as I’d be proud of you, your mother certainly doesn’t want you sleeping over at Clarisse’s place. Such a shame - she’s such a lovely lady, too.”  
“Nothing would even happen,” I snort. “I’m gay, remember?”  
“I know, but just take care here at home. We’ll be leaving soon, and your friend will be here in a few minutes. Just let him in when he’s here.”  
I shrug. “Sure. See ya.”

\--

“Did you finish your homework?”

I roll my eyes, shutting the door behind us. “Idiot. Of course I did. I was supposed to be meeting up with Clarisse.”  
“Clarisse?” Antonio teases. “Is there something going on between you two?”  
“N-no.”  
“Oh. Well, that’s okay!” He puts his bags to the side, and smiles at me. “Ah, well. You really have grown, hm?”  
“Shut up. We’re the same fucking age.”  
He smiles. “I’m a year older than you.”  
“A year isn’t much,” I snort, staring at the ground. He makes me feel all weird and bubbly on the inside -- like I’m going to explode. I’m…happy.  
“I’ve graduated already, though…”  
“Ugh. You haven’t fucking changed at all.”  
“And you haven’t changed since grade school, either.”  
“So?”  
“Ah, well. Do…you want to do anything?”  
“I wanna stay…home.”  
“Then home, it is!”  
“Dumbass.”

\--

“I…came out to my family yesterday,” I whisper. “Except my mom, because she was asleep.”  
Antonio grins. “Hey, that’s great!! Did they take it well?”  
“Yeah, they accepted me,” I sigh. “But I don’t think I’ll ever tell my mom.”  
“Homophobic?”  
“Yeah.”

Antonio’s known since last year -- that I’m attracted to men. And he was totally cool about it -- but…

Agh. I fucking lied.

I like him. A lot.  
And I try to make it obvious to him, because I know he isn’t straight, but…he’s fucking dense, man. And when I say dense, I mean fucking dense as hell.

“You look really cute today, by the way” he says. “I like your jeans.”  
I snort. “Don’t call me cute, dammit. I’m not cute at all.”

Please keep calling me cute. Over and over again. It’d make my day.

Antonio grins. “But you really do look good in those clothes, you know.”  
“Designer clothing I bought with my earnings from last week,” I sigh. “Trust me, I really don’t look cute.”  
“You do. By the way, do you want to go out tomorrow? I’ll take you out for food~”  
“That…” I can feel my face heat up a little.  
“Hmm?”  
“That’s…a very…boyfriend-ish thing to say…” I quickly mutter under my breath.  
Antonio raises his eyebrows. “What?”  
“U-uhm--”  
“Sorry, I didn’t hear you.” He gives a light-hearted laugh. “What did you say, Lovino?”  
“N-nothing. I’ll go. Tomorrow?”  
“Yep!”

\--

“Sex?” I mumble, fiddling with the straw of my drink. “Uh, well…I guess I’d be on the bottom. Unless the other guy is a fucking twink, hah.”  
Antonio smiles. “I’ve never actually thought about it for a while.”  
“For a while?” I ask. “Antonio, are you a virgin?”  
“What do you think?” There’s a small smirk on his face now.

Before I know it, I’m blushing like crazy again. Why the fuck does he have to ask such embarrassing questions? And even more, why the fuck do I have to answer them?  
Ugh, chigi. This man is too much, dammit.

“Of course you are,” I snort. “You’ve never dated anyone, as far as I know.”  
“Beeeeeeeeeeeep, wrong.”  
“Huh?”  
Antonio shrugs. “There was…one time.”  
“One time?” I ask, gaping at him. “One?”  
“Nah, more like two.” His eyes shift upwards for a moment, before looking down at the ground in an unsure, slightly insecure way. “One was with Francis.”  
Ugh. Francis is Antonio’s pervert bastard friend. Though he definitely isn’t a bad person, he scares me, dammit. “Ew. Who else?”  
“The next was with Arthur, after Francis decided that there was a fine line between love and sex.” Antonio wrinkles his nose. “I didn’t like that, and I don’t think Arthur did, either.”  
“Who topped?” I’m trying not to laugh.  
“Me.”  
“Oh, c’mon. I can’t believe that.”  
“It’s true.”  
“Oh, my God. Who else?”  
Antonio gives a sigh, and this time, his cheeks turn a light shade of pink. “Ah, yes. You know Emma, si?”  
“How could I forget?” I snort. “She’s cute. Really pretty. I figured she’d be a good match for you.”  
“Yes, we were really close in, let’s say…eleventh grade. Then I got a bit tipsy at a party, and, well…”  
“Oh, God.”  
Antonio laughs. “She…wasn’t happy.”

I can’t help but blush. Antonio wasn’t a virgin, after all? After all those years? Ugh, where the hell have I been?  
He suddenly grasps my hands, and I twitch. My hands are in his, and there’s the familiar warmth I had felt from those same hands all those years ago, lingering in my own hands.  
I…miss the times he used to hold my hands in his, the times we weren’t afraid to be close.  
And then middle school happened, and that shit was seen as gay, so…  
…  
…Not that I minded, of course.

‘I won’t lie, but you look pretty cute today, too.’

That’s the sort of thing I wanted to say to him.

Every. Fucking. Day. Of. My. Life.

Shit.

“Uwah, your hands are cold,” he laughs. “But so soft~”  
I glare at him. “W-well…”  
“Ah, we’ve been here for a while, hm?” He stands up. “Are you finished?”  
“Y-yeah.”  
“Is there anywhere you want to go?” Antonio asks. “Ahahaha, it’s like we’re going on a date--”  
I elbow him, and roll my eyes. “Don’t say it like that, dumbass. People will get the wrong idea.”  
“Ah, sorry…”  
“I-it…” I bite my lip, still blushing from his previous remark. “It’s okay. And, uh, yeah.”


	3. sleep with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shortly after Lovino's mother and grandfather leave for a business trip, Lovino is left at home with nobody but his best friend, Antonio. Embarrassed, Lovino decides to just let it slide and make it seem like he's angry about having to stay with Antonio.
> 
> To Lovino's dismay, Antonio left his sleeping bag at home.

“Ah, we had so much fun today, didn’t we? Did you have fun?”

“No.”

“Aww.”

“…”

But I did have fun. Spending time with him made me forget about the shit that happened the past few weeks, so…

Antonio grins. “Are you alright? We sure were out for a while, hm?”

“I’m…” I look around, slightly struggling with my words again. “I’m…tired, dammit.”

“Ah, is that so?” He looks me up and down, making me blush again. “You look kinda…cold.”

“N-no, I’m--”

“Ah, ah, don’t protest. It’s okay, I’m cold too~”

He reaches for my hand again, and the next thing I know, I’m lost for words yet again. He’s so…warm.

“Ah, so, so, cute!!” he squeals. “So cuteeeeeee!!!”

“Shut up. I’m going to bed.” I start to walk upstairs, his hand still attached to mine. I roll my eyes, looking back down at him. “Are you seriously just going to…let me drag you like this?”

“Yep!!”

Ugh. He’s so fucking cute. “Fine. Shut up.”

“Ahahahahaha~”

\--

“I really do love him, Feliciano. I do.”

My brother stifles a laugh on the other end of the line. “Then tell him~”

“B-but!!” My face goes red again, and I lower my voice to a whisper. “D-don’t make me scream like that, dammit!! Antonio’s in the other room, unpacking his stuff…”

“You’re afraid he’ll hear you spill the secrets of your undying love for him?”

“Ugh. I can’t even--”

“Ahahaha!! Joking, joking~”

“Feliciano!”

“Hehehe, I’ll talk later, okay? I have to goooooo~”

“Fine, dipshit. See you soon.”

I put down the phone, and get out of bed. Antonio’s probably done by now, so I’ll just go and check on him.

After all, he took me out today. I wanna make sure he’s okay, dammit.

I walk outside, and open the door to the next room. “Antonio--”

“Ah, hi, Lovi~”

“??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!”

Antonio is…half naked.

I back away a little, feeling my face get hot for what’s about the twentieth time today. “N-nothing. Why are you staring at me like that, you bastard?”

“Ah, I was just going to let you know,” he says, pulling a shirt out of his luggage, “…do you have a spare room I can use? Actually, umm…”

“Slow down,” I snort. “What happened?”

“I, um…it’s kinda embarrassing, but…” Antonio’s cheeks turn pink. “I…forgot some of my stuff. For night.”

“Ugh, seriously? How old are you, man? Nineteen?”

“Ahahaha…”

I roll my eyes. “Fine. You can use the bed in my room. But you have to face the other way, dammit.”

“Okay~” Antonio grins. “Thanks~”

\--

“Ah, it’s gotten a bit late, hm?”

I shrug. “Whatever.”

Antonio looks over at my phone. “What are you doing? Hey, you shouldn’t be up on Instagram at this time, you know…you need rest!”

“…”

“Ah, do I sound a bit like a mom?” he asks. “Ahaha, sorry~”

“No.”

“No?”

I give a sigh, and put my phone down. “My mom never really cared about anything like that. As long as I was alive, that’s all she needed. She doesn’t actually care about me, my wellbeing, or happiness, though. Nothing like that.”

“That’s…” Antonio bites his lip. “That’s awful, Lovino.”

“I don’t really care, either, but I sometimes wish she cared a little more about me.” I sink deeper into the covers, and shut my eyes. “Now, I’m tired, so face the other way, shut up, and sleep.”

“Ah, okay! Good night~”

He shuts the light off, and there’s a short moment of silence, before he faces me again.

“Your mom really doesn’t care? I’m just…concerned, okay? I’m sorry if I’m being a jerk.”

I shake my head. “She really doesn’t care. She got pregnant young, so I guess it just weighed her down, really. She just kind of…pretends like I don’t exist. Like I’m just another ordinary life problem of hers. From the age of five onwards, I’ve always slept on my own. I’ve never been embraced by anyone other than Feliciano.”

Antonio frowns. His eyes shift upwards, like he’s thinking of what to say, before looking straight at me again. He moves in closer. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. I…I’ve never actually felt happy before, come to think of it. I just wish…I wish…”

Antonio moves in closer, and I feel my heart beat a little faster. He pulls me closer towards him, and wraps his arms around my body.

“W-what the hell…”

“You seemed cold, ahaha~” He smiles, and strokes my hair. “You know, it’s been a while since we did anything like this. Don’t you remember how we would have sleepovers, back in second grade?”

“Y-yeah,” I mumble. “I don’t…really care.”

“Ah, you don’t? That’s okay. Maybe you don’t remember, hehehe.”

I…remember.

Back then, I wasn’t as used to the many times my mother would neglect me for my little brother. She’d always tell me that she was too busy for me, and then I’d start crying.

I cried on my first sleepover when I was seven -- but Antonio slept in the same bed as me, gave me a hug, and assured me that it’d be alright.

“Ah, well. I guess you just want to sleep now, hm? Do you want me to let go of you?” he asks.

I quickly shake my head, and lean against him. “N-no, dammit. It’s…fine. I don’t care.”

“Okay, then. Good night~”

“Hm.”

\--

It’s 3:00 in the morning, and I suddenly woke up, just like that.

Yes, I tend to do that almost every night. It’s no big deal. I just go the fuck to sleep, like always.

But I’m with Antonio, so…

Ah, this shouldn’t be as different, dammit!! Ugh.

But he looks so cute…

Ack, he’s really close to me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Aaaah, I’m so fucking tempted to just kiss him right here, right now…

Fuck, I’m getting hard, too…

…

…Why, though? Ugh. I’m a fucking idiot.

I put my hand over his, and close my eyes for a moment. I’ve wanted him for so long. I just want to tell him the way I feel, already. I want him to hold me, to kiss me…

Hmm.

“You’ve always been here for me,” I whisper, making sure that I don’t wake him up. “You comforted me whenever I’d start crying, which happened a lot, dammit. When I was ten, my voice changed, and I started crying because I was so goddamn embarrassed. And then you told me that you were the first out of all of your friends to hit puberty -- which didn’t really help, but it made me laugh.”

I love him. So, so, so fucking much. I hope I can protect him someday, just as he does to me.

“I’m happy to hear that.”

  
?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!

“Y-you’re awake?!?!??!!” I sit up, and stare at him in shock.

Antonio opens his eyes, and grins. “Yeah~”

“Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you heard a-a-all of that?!?!?”

“Yep!”

“…”

Antonio shrugs. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know.”

“Y-yes, it is.”

“Aww, how come?”

I almost don’t realise I’m already hastily wiping away my tears of embarrassment. It’s so fucking overwhelming. “I…I just don’t fucking get it! Why are you like this…why do you always show me so much affection?”

“It’s because you’ve never had someone to guide you along the way -- someone to hold your hand and assure you that everything will be okay,” Antonio explains. “And though you constantly degrade yourself, I think you’re absolutely fine the way you are.”

“I-it doesn’t make a-any fucking s-s-sense.”

“Hey, don’t cry…”

I look up at him, and he’s embracing me again.

“It’s okay, don’t cry. It’s alright.”

“N-no, it’s not. There’s…so much wrong with me.”

“Like what?”

I bite my lip. A lot, dammit. The fact that my mother is homophobic doesn’t help at all, and I still haven’t come out to her.

Not like I want to, but I feel like it’ll eventually end up coming out anyway. She’ll find out soon, and then she’ll kick me out or something -- not to mention that I probably shouldn’t even be gay in the first place, considering that my family and I are very devoted Catholics, and I don’t even have the balls to walk up to my best friend and tell him my feelings for him.

Fucking bullshit.

“…I look gross…?” I finally manage to say, after a while of thinking. That’s basically all I can say -- it’s not like I’m going to just admit my feelings to him, right now, right here…

…Actually, I should be asleep right now, and so should he.

“What do you mean?” he asks. “I think you look fine.”

I roll over, not knowing what else to say. Once he begins, he never stops. There isn’t any point in arguing when it comes to things like this. “I’m…fat…?”

“Lovino,” he laughs, “I think you’ve got to be one of the thinnest men I’ve seen at your school.”

“I-I know, but my thighs…” I lift up the covers, and look down at my legs. “Ugh. I can’t.”

“You’re not fat.” Antonio shakes his head again. “Look, if you start dieting, then you’ll become underweight, and that’s not good. I’d say you’re pretty good right now. Why else would the girls at your school be crushing on you, hm?”

That’s…another problem. I’ve only come out to my close friends and family (minus my mom). None of the girls at school know that I’m gay, and knowing that I go to an expensive Catholic school in America, they probably wouldn’t take it well if I told them.

I can’t help but shudder. They’d probably send me to some religious thing, knowing my school.

“I…I’m more than fine with it, you know. It’s…flattering. Ugh. I love it. But…hmm…”

“I get it,” he says. “It’s okay, there’s no need to explain. What matters is that you know that you’re being yourself.”

“I hate myself, though,” I sob. “I hate it. Why can’t I be like everyone else? This is why I’m still single -- why I always have been single.”

Antonio looks a bit taken aback, but he smiles again. “I don’t think the outsiders’ opinions matter at all. I think you’re beau-“

He stops for a moment, and looks back at me. “I…I think you’re okay the way you are.”

“Oh.” I’m blushing again, and I nod. “O-okay. I’m gonna sleep.”

\--

I…had a very…vivid dream last night, dammit. Do I really need to go further into depth of what happened?

Ah, well. In a nutshell, I seemed to have already confessed my feelings to him, so in the dream we were dating, and then we went home, and--

…

…….

………..ahhhhhhhhhhh~

Fuck, that’s so gay. Ugh. I’m gonna go die in hell, then.

But…it was really, really hot, and…ahhhhhhhh…

“Loviiiiiiiiii~ Good morning~”

I shoot him a glare. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Ah, you just looked like you were in some sort of daze,” Antonio laughs. “You looked kind of happy. Did you sleep well?”

“Y-yeah.”

“That’s good! Are we going out today, or…?” He gets out of bed, and smiles at me.

I shake my head. “I want to stay home today.”

“What do you usually do in your free time, Lovino?” Antonio asks.

“Instagram.”

He gives an awkward smile, like he’s trying not to laugh. “Besides Instagram?”

“I…I actually kind of just like watching movies in bed,” I mumble. “I just watch Netflix on my TV, and…ehh, that’s it.”

“That’s so cute!!” he squeals.

“Ugh, it’s just normal. It’s common sense, dammit. Movies and snacks.”

“N-no,” he says, not even bothering to hide that stupid (stupidly adorable) smile of his, “I just didn’t expect it from someone like you, that’s all!”

“Are you saying I’m boring?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. Antonio shakes his head.

“Nope, you’re just…interesting, ahahaha!”

“Ugh, I’ll be back.”

“Okay!”


	4. gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovino has always been conscious of the fact that Antonio's always loved him, but he doesn't know how to convey his feelings to him. More gay shit, y'all. Angst. Maybe.

“Have you seen this yet?” Antonio asks. “Fifty Shades of--”

“Antonio, that’s not something you’d usually watch with your best friend,” I snort. “Yes, I’ve seen it, and I’ve read the book, too.”

“Ah, I haven’t seen it yet,” he says, flicking through the description of the movie. “Ah, it seems to be full of…” His cheeks turn pink. “…sex.”

I almost double over in laughter. “Of course it is, Antonio. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Fifty Shades of Grey before?”

“Nope!”

“Here’s a recommendation,” I laugh, “don’t watch it. It’s fucking terrible. I mean, the storyline and actors are okay, but there’s too much rape, so…”

“Oh, it’s hardcore?” Antonio asks. I nod my head, and he exits out of the movie description, widening his eyes. “Well, then we can’t have that, can we? I think we should watch something cute~”

Oh, shit. He’s so close to me. In bed. And we’re watching movies together.

This…is a very…boyfriend-like thing of him to do.

Aaaaaaah, I’m gonna die…!!

“Hmm? Do you have a suggestion, Lovi?”

I didn’t realise I was practically resting my hand on his chest, the way a wife would snuggle up to her husband in bed. Embarrassed, I withdraw my hand, and frown. “Uh, yeah. L-Love, Simon.”

“Ohhhh, I’ve always wanted to watch that one,” Antonio says, breaking into a big smile. “It sounds really cute~”

“I-I’ve actually never seen it,” I mumble, almost smiling.

“You’re being really cute lately, you know?” he says.

…

…I don’t know how to answer to that, dammit!!

\--

We finished the movie.

Antonio is smiling.

I’m still crying.

Ughhhhhh. Why does this movie have to be.

So. Fucking. Cute.

“Lovino? Ahaha, that was a good movie, hm?”

“Hrrnrnnrnrnrnrnrnnnngggghhhhghhhh.”

“Aww, are you okay? C’mon, let me give you a hug~”

“Guhhhhhh. Nooooooo.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Hey, what’s wrong? How come you’re always so grumpy…”

“Because I’m just not in the mood, dammit.”

“You’re never in the mood.”

I am. Right now, I am in the mood. You’re just too oblivious to see it, Antonio.

It hurts knowing that I fell for someone who’s this dense. It hurts knowing that he’ll never notice my feelings unless I just tell him. But I love him.

“I’m…too lazy to get up,” I mumble. “I think I’ll just…sleep…”

“Aww, but I’ll be bored~” Antonio pouts.

I roll my eyes. “Whatever. Go on Instagram or something. Call those bastard friends of yours. I’m gonna sleep.

\--

Heh.

Bastard is asleep.

And I’m awake now.

Heh.

Ah, well. I’m gonna go in the other room and have some free time, then.

I slump down onto the bed, letting out a sigh. I just want to sleep already, dammit.

And then I look down, and realization hits me. I’m…

I’m rock hard. Down there.

Ugh.

I’ve already had a conversation about sex with my friends. Multiple, actually -- and Francis gave me some advice. Advice for…

…

…ugh-

….m-m-

……m-masturbation…

It’s fucking disgusting. I already hate myself, so why would I want to touch myself down…there?

I don’t really get it. Apparently it’s healthy and perfectly normal -- practically all of my friends have done it once in their life, particularly during junior high, but…I just can’t. It’d be a fucking sin.

‘But Lovino,’ Alfred had once said, ‘isn’t homosexuality kinda on the same level as masturbation when it comes to what’s sin and what isn’t?’

…Yes, but actually no.

\--

It’s actually come to the point where it’s too much for me, though.

I look down at my crotch -- the bulge is already, well…more than noticable.

Aaaaahhhhhh. I can’t get tempted. That’s fucking disgusting. Ugh. No.

…

...Okay, maybe just a little. Just…one…touch…

…Dammit.

I pull down my sweatpants (yes, I wear sweatpants at home) , and lightly press my fingertips against the bulge.

Oh.

That…oh.

Hmmmhhmmmhhm.

Ohhh.

Never doing that again.

It feels….gross, but good…

Hmmm…

…

…Maybe just a little more.

I start rubbing myself, slowly at first, but gradually speeding up. I had already made sure that the door was locked, so this is probably okay.

Ohhh.

Mmm, that felt good. Surprisingly good.

Fuck.

It’s so fucking…addicting. It feels disgusting in a way, but…in a good way. Or something.

Ohhhhhhh.

“A-aahhh…hmmmhhh…”

Fuck, I sound so gay right now.

Oh, shit. It actually feels really good now. M-maybe if I…

I slide my boxers down to my ankles, and my erection instantly springs up. A bead of precum is already sitting at the top. Slightly startled, I take the base of my cock into my hand.

Immediately, I start twitching. It’s overly sensitive now, and I begin moving my hand up and down at a slow pace.

“Aahhhhnnnnhhhhh…Antonio…”

Ugh. Thinking about him again? Fucking gay, man.

But still…

Fuck, that’s hot. I just…want him to touch me all over. I want him to hug me -- to hold me, and tell me that I belong to him, and only him.

I want him so bad. Fuck.

“A- _ahhh_ ~!”

And then I just lost it, right there. I fucking ejaculated (hhhhhhh that’s a gross word, dammit) all over my hand.

And…my thighs, too. Ew.

Why do people get turned on by these things? Fucking nasty, man.

…

…Actually, is Antonio even still asleep? Maybe I should check…

…

….

……Never mind. I gotta shower. I feel so fucking dank right now.

\--

“Loviiiiiiiii, I was waiting for youuuuuu!!” Antonio pouts.

I roll my eyes. “I was sleeping, and so were you.”

“Oh. You were sleeping?”

“…”

“…”

“…Yeah. Why?” I cautiously ask.

Antonio shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe because…ehh, I don’t know, but I just thought I heard you in your room, and I was worried, but…”

“Nah, man, someone just hacked my Fortnite account for my V bucks.”

“…Oh.”

Wow. Real smooth, Lovino. You really had to do it? The Fortnite was the last straw, man.

“Lovino…?”

I look up at him. “Hmm?”

Antonio shrugs. “Do you…I don’t know, but…am I bothering you in any way?”

“…Why?”

“…Because you always seem to push me away whenever I try to…show you that I care about you,” he says, giving an awkward smile.

I shake my head. “No, I don’t actually hate you. I just…”

“Lovino?”

“I…there’s just so much going on in my life.”

Antonio stops smiling, and puts a hand on one of my shoulders. “Lovino, stay safe. There are people who care about you.”

“I’m not suicidal.” But it’s like the words are getting stuck in my throat. It feels like a lie, on the tip of my tongue.

Am I suicidal? Do I want to die?

“I’m glad if you aren’t, but just take care, okay?” He takes one of my hands into his, and gives me a small smile. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

I know he loves me. He’s said it over and over again in the past, but he soon stopped, because he thought I was getting uncomfortable. I know that he loves me back.

He’s said ‘I love you’ to me already.

So why won’t I say it back? Why am I too fucking shy for a relationship?

“I…” I tug on the end of his shirt. “W-wait.”

“Hmm?”

“Uhm, well…” I bite my lip. “…Nothing.”

“Okay~” Antonio stands up, and begins to walk away. I watch him for a while.

…

…Mmmmm. Ass.

\--

“Ahhh, my homework is done. Also, I pretty much drenched my uniform the other day, so…hey, what about you?”

“Ah…I graduated, remember…?”

“Ugh. You suck. But you still have homework…right?” I ask, opening up my laptop. “You know, you’re always working so damn hard…yet you care more about others than yourself, dammit.”

Antonio raises his eyebrows, and stops walking. “Well, I think I should be fine on my own already - since I’m expected to be an independent adult, so…”

He’s so…

…

…Stubborn.

“It doesn’t annoy you or anything?” Antonio asks. “You know, how the girls at school keep following you...hmm, hmm…”

I shrug. “Kind of?” Am I annoyed that I’m popular at school? Of course, I don’t really give a shit anymore that people talk shit about me at times, but…

…Does it annoy me knowing that I’ve got more than thirty straight girls crushing on me, and that they don’t even know that I’m gay?

…

“…It hurts that I have to hide my identity from people, you know?” I sigh. “I can’t let them know without being judged. The world is fucked up - I’m not allowed to love who I want to love without getting hated on. My mother would fucking disown me or something. The least she’d do is take me to a therapist of some sort, or some religious brainwashing thing.”

Antonio glances at me. “Do you…do you love someone, Lovino?”

Aaaahhhhhhhh. Don’t ask me that. That’s a fucking red light right there. I don’t wanna answer that.

Or at least, that’s what I keep telling myself. That I don’t want to admit that I’m in love with my best friend.

Not even ‘in love’. I’m fucking…head-over-heels in love with him.

“Loviiiii? Are you okay?” He puts a hand to my forehead, making me twitch again. “You’re burning up…do you feel okay?”

“I-I’m fine,” I mumble. “It’s okay. There’s nothing…wrong with me…”

Antonio shakes his head. “I don’t know. C’mon, I think you should get some rest~”

“Noooooooooo.”

“C’mon, don’t be stubborn!!”

“W-why do you care about me so much, dammit?! I still don’t get it!! Why don’t you just…give me a straight answer?” I demand.

Antonio smiles. “Ah, that’s because…to tell you the truth, you’d get mad at me for saying it. You’ve never really liked it, but…it’s because I love you very much, Lovino. I care a lot about you.”

“I…!!” I can’t get the words out. He’s told me countless times that he loves me, yet I keep pushing him away.

It…it feels like I’m about to start crying. It hurts. It fucking hurts, dammit!

“Lovino, you don’t have to return my feelings, you know.” He smiles at me. “I’ve been waiting for your answer for a while now, but it’s okay if I never get my feelings returned. I won’t push it, but I’ll still always love you.”

I look away. “S-shut up. You’re making me remember how stupid I was when you told me for the first time.”

Antonio started making it clear to me that he loved me since the beginning of high school. I noticed it when he started becoming extremely attached to me - as if he couldn’t let go. He’d always be a little upset whenever we were separated, but when we reunited - no matter the situation or context, he’d always jump into my arms and let out a cry of excitement.

I…found it stupid.

I’d always glare at him. I didn’t know how to respond.

But the first time he told me he loved me, I reacted in the worst way possible.

Yes…I went all red in the face, dammit. I looked like a fucking tomato. And I was shaking - not knowing what to say, and then I just stammered-

‘I-I’ll need a while to think about it, dammit.’

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhghhghhghghhhhh!! And he said he’d wait patiently for my answer - he looked kinda confused at first, then he just started smiling - but I knew I’d end up killing him a little on the inside if I rejected him!

…I never wanted to reject him, though. I was just…unsure of my feelings at the time.

And then suddenly, one day, he just…stopped saying those words.

‘I love you~’

…

…It just…stopped.

But I could still see that it was clear that his feelings remained, and that he was still waiting for my answer.

It’s been a few years. Ugh. Get your shit together, Lovino!

“Lovino? Hey, you’re crying…” He squeezes my hand. “Are you okay?”

“I…I’m gonna sleep,” I mumble. “I need to…sleep…”

“I think you need some rest, too,” Antonio sighs. “Don’t stress too much, okay?”

And then I broke.

I feel a tear roll down one of my cheeks. Another follows, and then I just burst into tears, right there, right now.

“Do you want to talk about it…?” Antonio asks, a look of concern spreading on his face.

I shake my head. “N-no, but actually…” Out of nowhere, I start nodding. “Y-yes. Yes, I-I w-w-want…to t-talk about i-it…but no…but…but…”

“Shh, shh, don’t cry.” He holds me close to him. “What happened? Did I make you think of something you didn’t want to think about?” Though Antonio is dense as hell, he knows that my life is tougher than most of the others my age.

“I…I don’t know,” I sob. “I don’t fucking know anymore. About the confession thing. And I feel fucking bad, because I’ve made you wait this long, and I still don’t know how I feel…I mean, I know how I feel, but…I’m too…”

The volume of my voice immediately shrinks down to a whisper. “…too fucking embarrassed, dammit.”

…If Antonio figures it out by that sentence, I’d be fucking surprised, dammit. That man is too dense for this world.

As expected, he looks a bit confused - before smiling again. “Well, that’s okay, too. Take your time-“

“I feel bad,” I mumble. “I…I’ve been making you wait for so goddamn long…”

Antonio shrugs. “Well, it has been…four years…”

“I’m…s-sorry-“

“Ahahaha, it’s okay~”

I frown. But is it, really? “I…I promise I’ll tell you soon.”

“Don’t worry about it, okay?” He reaches for my hand, but stops. “Ahaha, sorry…”

I’m so…fucking tempted right now. I just want to…pull him close to me, and shower him in kisses. Thank him for everything he’s done. Hold his hand.

I tug on the hem of his shirt. “Antonio.”

“Hmm?” He grins. “Oh, are you sick, after all?”

“Stupid." I throw my arms around him. It’s been a while since I hugged him like this, but I really need it right now. “T-thanks, you bastard.”

Antonio hiccups - like he’s somewhat struggling to get the words out. “N-no problem…”

“Ah,” he suddenly says, looking down at me, “are you feeling well, though? You’re still a bit warm.”

I snort. “I think I’m sick. The weather is pretty shit, anyway.”

“Aha, then you should lie down, you know. Don’t worry - I’ll stay with you.”

“…Thanks.”

\--

“Don’t you have another brother, though?” Antonio asks. “Another younger one?”

I nod. “Romeo. He’s fourteen at the moment, but he’ll be fifteen soon. He lives with our aunt, in Italy…”

“Ah, do you miss your old home?” Antonio asks. I shake my head.

“Nah, I don’t really remember much. You?”

“I…miss my family’s old home in Spain,” he sighs. “It was so beautiful. Also, we’d have a period in the day where we could just sleep~”

I roll my eyes. “I’d sleep the whole day, dammit.”

“Ahaha, I wish!”

“Haha.”

Antonio raises his eyebrows. “You…did you just laugh?”

“I don’t know, did I?” I ask.

“…”

“…” I look away, blushing again. Shit, did I mess up again?

He smiles. “That was…adorable.”

“What?” I ask. “What was adorable?”

“Your laugh,” he sighs. “Your laugh is so cute. Shame I couldn’t record it, hahaha! It’s so rare. Your smile is pretty rare too, hm? It’s beautiful.”

…Uhh.

…

…Is this…his way of flirting?

I-I mean, I flirt with those other girls too, and I say shit like that too - but in the scenarios where they flirt back, I just back off, because…y’know…

…But his way of flirting is different to mine. It’s so…cute.

I scoff, and look away, resting my head down further into the pillow. “L-like I would even ever let you record me smiling or laughing, dumbass.”

“Ahahaha, I know, I know.”

God, I’m such a liar.

Someday, I’ll let him see me smile. Someday, I’ll let him hear me laugh.

…

…Ugh.

I lift my face up from the pillow to stare at him. He’s working, isn’t he?

…I sometimes wonder if he ever misses high school. I-I mean, if I were the one graduating, I wouldn’t miss the actual school, but it’s actually…the people

N-not the people like Francis, though. Eww.

…I already miss Antonio. It doesn’t matter to me that we still hang out every now and then out of school or university hours, but…it’s not the same. I’ve known him for so long.

“Is there someone you like at the moment?” Antonio asks, turning around to glance back at me.

“…” Ah, he might as well as know already. “…Yes.”

It’s not like I’m actually telling him that I love him, right?

Antonio smiles. “Is it someone I know?”

“…Yes.”

“Someone at around your age?”

“Yes.”

He stops smiling. “Oh.”

…Stupid. A year isn’t that big of an age difference. Can’t you see it already?

“I…I love him very much,” I mutter under my breath. “Only problem is, he can’t see it.”

“He sounds really dumb,” Antonio snorts. “Do you think I’d be any match for him?”

Wow. I did not expect that.

God, that’s actually pretty hot, though. Antonio’s always been extremely defensive and overprotective of me, and I fucking love it.

He’s not possessive - he just wants me to be happy - but if anyone dares to pull anything dumb on me, he’ll go crazy. Surprisingly, he’s actually really scary when he’s angry. But I don’t see that much.

“I…I don’t know,” I mumble. “He’s…really cool.”

“How cool? What kind of cool?”

I smirk to myself. I feel kinda guilty, of course - I don’t wanna take it too far. Playing with his feelings is a big dickhead move.

But…this is fun.

“He’s so hot,” I sigh. “He has this goddamn sexy tan, and, and…”

Woah. Thin ice, Lovino. Thin ice.

“Ah, well.” Antonio crosses his arms. “I want to take you out to the beach on the weekend, now. Are you okay with that?”

Hot.

“Ehhmhh…I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I’m not busy, but…”

“I’ll buy you food!! Boba!! Anything!!”

Oh, shit.

B o b a.

“Ehh, fine-“

“Yaaaaay!! Thanks~” Antonio squishes me in another hug.

I push his arms off of me. “Ugh, I can’t breathe.”

“Hahahahahahaha! You’re so cute~”

“Fuck you.”

…

…

…Fuck me.

\--

“Sex advice? LOL”

I’m in a group chat with Clarisse, Haru, Alfred, Francis, and Gilbert. They all know that I’m in love with Antonio, and they promised not to tell him.

So far, it’s been about four years or so, and the secret still hasn’t gone out - thankfully. I won’t be telling anyone else.

I roll my eyes at Haru’s text.

“shut up lmao,,,,,you watch hentai anyway right”

“WHAT THE HELL LOL-“

“ADMIT IT H A R U”

“NOOOO HAHAHAHAHA”

“H E N T A I B A S T A R D-“

“Who are you talking to?” Antonio asks, smiling at me. “You look happy.”

“Nothing,” I quickly say, sitting on my phone. “N-nothing. Nobody. Instagram.”

“Don’t cheat on whoever you’re dating, ahahaha.”

“I’m not dating anyone, stupid.” I puff out my cheeks in annoyance. “I just…like someone a lot, that’s all. I’m in love with a guy. So what?”

He smiles. “I’d be happy for you either way, you know. Just…if they break your heart, I won’t forgive them, okay?”

I nod. “Sure, sure. I don’t really care - just don’t kill anyone, dammit.”

I look down at the texts, and Francis’s reply catches my eye.

“Just woo him! Seduce him at a party~”

I-I CAN’T DO THAT!!

I look down at my phone again, and make a face of disgust.

“EWWW WHAT THE FUCK-“

“WELL,,,,JUST TRY TO SEDUCE HIM OR SOMETHING! its worth a try ;)”

“you’re fucking disgusting but ok”

Ah, well. It’s worth a try.

\--

“Why, though?”

“Ohh, well…” I take a quick glance at my phone. Francis had sent me a long list of tips for seducing my crush, so why not give it a try? Of course, I won’t give him credit, though. “I was thinking that we should hang out at Alfred’s place again. I’ve already talked to him about it, soooooo…you up for it?” I cross my legs.

Mmmm. Short shorts? Yes.

Antonio looks down at my thighs. “It’s…a bit cold for that, don’t you think?”

“Nah, I think I’m okay. Anyway, you up for the sleepover?”

“Y-yeah…”

I grin. “Cool. I’ll let Alfred know~”

Antonio raises his eyebrows. “You’re acting kind of cute lately…are you okay?”

“You’re saying I’m not cute every day? I mean…”

He shakes his head. “N-no, I didn’t mean it that way. Anyway, when’s the sleepover?”

I smirk.

“Starting from 3:30 PM. In five minutes - but Alfred’s already waiting outside for us.”

\--

“Woah, bro. I thought you were coming in your tomato onesie?” Alfred teases.

I roll my eyes. “No, of course not, dumbass.”

“Nice thighs,” Clarisse snorts, throwing a pillow at Haru.

I smirk and stroke across one of my legs. “I think this is fine.”

Antonio gapes at me. “L-Lovino, are you okay…?”

“Am I?” I lean in close to him. “Am I okay, Antonio?”

“A-are you mad at me…?”

“Francis,” I call out. “Wine.”

The baguette bastard hurries over to pass me a glass of wine, and I take a sip, slowly glancing upwards at Antonio. “I did my nails today. Black.”

“They’re pretty,” he says, smiling.

I nod, and move in closer to him. “I _know_ they are.”

“L-Lovino…?”

“We’re all doing karaoke,” Clarisse calls out. “Everyone has to participate!!”

\--

I’m…drunk.

Most of us aren’t even of the legal drinking age yet, but it’s not like they care, anyway. We’re all sleeping here.

“Lovino, is the person you’re in love with…here?” Antonio asks. “In this room?”

I nod. “You’re getting there.”

“Ah, well…” He looks down at my thighs again. “Is that why…you’re dressed like this?”

“Have you ever been so desperate for one person, that you completely lose fucking control over who you are?” I ask. “Have you ever wanted to impress someone this badly?”

Antonio smiles and nods. “Yes, Lovi, yes I have. But let me tell you this -- there is a fine line between lust and love. You don’t need to show off your body in order to earn someone’s heart.”

I frown. “That makes no sense. Is it because I’m…not really that attractive?”

He gapes at me. “You’re much more than just attractive, you know. But it’s not all about the outside. So basically, I don’t know why you’re doing all of this just because you love someone. Or maybe you’re just horny. I dunno~”

I-I mean…

…

…Isn’t it a bit of…both?

“I-I’m basically almost an adult anyway,” I snort. “One year away from being eighteen. So what?”

“It’s normal to want to feel sexual pleasure at this age, but maybe you should tone it down a bit,” Antonio sighs. “It’s not really a good idea to have sex at a young age - I would know.”

I look back up at him. “…How old were you? During your first time?”

“Fifteen.”

“Oh, shit.” I should not have asked that. There’s guilt in his expression - his face says it all.

But I’m still curious. “…What was it like?”

“It hurt,” he sighs. “It was with Francis, and, well…neither of us knew that lubricant or foreplay existed, so…”

Horrified, I gape at him. “N-no lube?! He went in…dry?”

“Yep. But he used protection, so that’s a plus~”

Ohhh, shit. Fucking THIN ICE. I am talking about sex with my best friend and crush.

“I…I just get really excited when I think about him,” I whisper. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Antonio grins. “It’s okay, I won’t. You don’t have to tell me who it is. But I can guess?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay…is it…Alfred…?”

I make a face. “Ewwww!! What the hell?! He’s my best friend, Antonio!! M-my best friend after you, of course…”

“Ah, wait.” Antonio looks down at the ground. “I just…thought about something.”

“Hmm?”

He inhales. “…Lovino? If you still have yet to answer to my feelings, then…does that indicate towards a rejection?”

Oh, shit.

“It’s just…” Antonio bites his lip. “You’re already in love with someone, and I still have to guess, and you still haven’t given me an answer…”

No.

Nononononononono. Please.

“Is that a rejection?”

“No,” I sigh. “Yes, no…I don’t know. Anyway, uh…”

Antonio smiles. “It’s getting a bit awkward, ahahaha…”

I nod. “Hey, do you, uh…”

“Mm?”

“Do you want…to spend the night with me?” I whisper, lightly caressing one of my thighs with my fingertips.

Antonio blushes. “I-I’m sorry?”

A date. A date, Antonio. Please. You can’t possibly be that fucking clueless this time. It’s obviously a DATE!!

“I want to have fun with you,” I whisper, giving him an awkward smile. “Just tonight.”

“H-huh?!” He looks even more startled - and his face is bright red. “Lovino, I…I’m flattered, but…uhhmm..ehh…do you think we’re ready for that?”

…What?

“What do you mean?” I ask, staring at him. “Huh?”

“Lovino, how do I say this…” Antonio bites his lip. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you…?”

“?!”

“I-I mean, you aren’t even comfortable to be in a relationship with me yet, let alone…”

“A-Antonio?!”

“…?”

Realization hits me, and I’m mortified. No. Nonononono.

HE THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX-

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh-

THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DAMMIT!!!!!!

AAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!

I back away, and look down. “I…I think I have to go. I’m sorry.”

“Lovino?” Antonio reaches for my hand, worry dawning on his face. “I’m sorry…did I do anything wrong? Did I make you sad?”

“No, I just don’t feel well…”

“Lovino?!”

I stand up, grab my bag, and run out of the room. I almost trip on my way upstairs, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so fucking stupid. I keep messing shit up.


	5. bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang hang out together and Lovino feels the need to confess his feelings to Antonio. Big fluffy ahead, y'all. Short and sweet.

After locking the door, I run over to slump down on the bed. My face is burning from the embarrassment. He took it out of context…  
No.  
It’s that bastard Francis’ fault, dammit!! He was the one who suggested it to me - to try and seduce Antonio!!

I bury my face into the pillow and start crying, as usual. Why does it always have to be like this? Why can’t I just be normal, like everyone else?  
“I’m sorry…” I sob. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”  
The door suddenly creaks open. I quickly wipe away my tears. “Who’s there, dammit?!”  
“Whoa, chill,” Haru says, peeking in. “Are you okay?”  
I glare at him. “Does it look like I’m okay?”  
Haru smiles and shuts the door behind him, locking it afterwards. “I guess not. What happened?” He stops to stare at me, raising his eyebrows in confusion. “Also, why are you dressed like that…?”  
“Long story short,” I sigh, rolling my eyes, “Francis gave me advice - said I should try to seduce Antonio in some way or another, and this happened. I tried to ask Antonio out on a movie date, and he thought I wanted to have sex with him.”  
“Oh.” Haru’s face goes a little red. “That’s…awkward.”  
“Damn right it is,” I groan. “I hate everything.”  
He grins. “Maybe you should talk to him about it and explain. Antonio’s a bit of a…dense guy, right?”  
Ugh. Is ‘dense’ even the right word for him anymore? I shift a little more into the covers. “…Yeah.”

But I really do look stupid, huh…? It isn’t entirely Francis’ fault. He just wanted to help me. Only…he did it the stupid way, dammit.  
I look like a fucking slut, in those short shorts and cropped shirt.  
Antonio wouldn’t fall for that. 

I just…decreased my chances of being together with him…

\--

I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened today.

He looked so fucking…I don’t know…  
...Sad.

It was like he was trying to hold it in as always - just cover it up with a smile.   
But he looked like he would’ve cried if nobody was around.

I wonder how he is right now? He’s sleeping in the other room, with Francis and Gilbert…

Underneath my pillow, my phone vibrates - someone texted me. But who could be texting me at this hour, dammit? God, get some fucking sleep, you bastards-  
…  
…Oh. It’s Antonio.

‘4:50 AM  
Sorry for reacting like that-  
I shouldn’t have acted so surprised. It was bound to happen.  
I hope you’ll be happy, though~ I’ll be rooting for you if you end up in a relationship with the one you love~  
\- Toni’

Fuck.  
I will NOT cry. I will NOT NOT NOT cry. It’s not like I feel bad or anything. I just…  
…  
…I need to check on him. Just for a little bit…  
…I mean, he’s still awake, right? Ahahaha…  
...  
…  
…Fuckkkkk-

\--

Trying not to make any sort of creaking sound, I tiptoe upstairs. He’s sleeping in the first room on the right, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Sure, Alfred’s house is fucking huge, but I’m not taking any chances. I’m already eighteen - and I’ve been friends with Al since I was eight. I don’t need his mom to show me the way around the house for the fucking trillionth time in my life.  
And anyway, that would be weird!! Why would I ask the directions for another bedroom?! That’s so fucking shady-

“Lovi?”

I stop in my tracks and turn my eyes to the right. Antonio is standing there, and-  
Oh. My. Fucking. God.  
…Ohhhhhhhh.  
Those pajamas are fucking cute. I just want to hug him right here.  
W-woah. Unless a t-shirt and boxers count as pajamas, of course. H-his shirt is cute.  
…Dammit, Lovino!! Stop staring at his crotch!! Stop looking for any sort of form of some bulge or something-

“Lovi, are you okay?” He comes loser to me. “The bathroom is over there, if you turn to the left, and…”  
“Spare room,” I breathe. “Now.”

\--

“Ahhh, so you’re kind of in a tight spot right now? Is that what you’re saying?”  
“Yeah, yeah. I kind of like three people at once, and one of them is you. Now I want to get some sleep, so…”  
Antonio grins. “Actually, Gilbert has been kicking me in his sleep, and I was thinking of moving down to the living room so I could sleep on the floor with the rest of you guys!”  
I wrinkle my nose. “There isn’t any room, dumbass. You’d be kicking us in our sleep.”  
“Ahahaha…”  
“Sleep with me in this bed.”

…  
…  
…WHAT.

What the fuck, Lovino?! Out of all the things you could say, you say THAT?!?!?!?!  
‘There’s room for you on the couch.’  
‘You could sleep on top of Alfred - he’s squishy enough.’

ANYTHING BUT THAT.

My face is burning again. “I-I don’t mean it like that, of course. You can just…look the other way. I dunno. I just don’t want to leave you in this room, dammit. Some bastard with a knife - or a fucking metal pipe, like that weird kid in our class - someone might attack you in your sleep, and then you’ll die, and then that would cause a million problems for us, and…!!”

The light suddenly switches off, and I feel Antonio wrap his arms around me.  
Oh, damn.  
Ohhhhh.  
His body is pressing against mine-  
Really closely-  
AhhhhhhhhhhhHhHHhhhhHhhHhHhHHHHHhHHHHHH-  
Breathe in, out. In, out. Do not, NOT get a hard-on. Not now.

“Thank you,” he whispers. “I’m so happy right now, you know.”  
“It doesn’t mean I love you,” I lie. “I could just have a small crush on you or something.”  
“It’s okay,” Antonio sighs, moving in closer to me. “Mmm…you’re so warm, you know?”  
I snort. “Go the fuck to sleep.”  
“Ah, I have to face the other way, right?” Antonio laughs. “Sorry, sorry.”  
“Mmmffhhmpphhhhppmmmhh.”  
“I’m sorry?”

I look up at him. “You didn’t hear? Ugh. I said that it’s fine like this. Try to keep up, dammit.”  
“I…”   
He suddenly kisses me on the cheek, and closes his eyes.  
“Good night, Lovi.”  
Fuck, I’m burning up again. “…”  
“…Good night, you bastard. Not saying that again.”

\--

The first thing that’s on my mind when I wake up is what happened last night.

I got angry.  
I got drunk.  
I cried.  
I was kissed in bed by Antonio.

…  
…Fuck.

It wasn’t like an actual kiss, though!! Nothing happened!! I didn’t reject it, but…but…he kissed me on the cheek!!!!!!! Not the lips!!!!

But, still…  
…We shared a bed together-

…  
..Ah, fuck it. We have to share a bed together for the next five days at home anyway, right? All because Antonio was stupid enough to forget his shit at home.  
It’s not anything romantic at all.  
…And that’s what hurts.

But Antonio was right, wasn’t he? That seduction doesn’t work all the time, and that there’s a fine line between lust and love…  
How exactly do I feel about him, anyway? It’s definitely not lust, that’s for sure. Though Antonio’s hot as hell, I’m not really ready for sex, anyway.  
Adoration? Definitely not. There’s a difference between adoration and love.   
I just…love him…?

“Good morning, Loviiiiiii!!!!” He smiles at me. “C’mon, give me a hug~”  
I roll my eyes. “You’re awake? Go do it yourself. Tch.”  
He frowns. “Aww, that’s not cute at all~ By the way, are you uncomfortable or anything about me? I don’t wanna push things too far. I don’t want it to make it seem like I’m your boyfriend without your consent, no, no!”  
I blush. “It’s alright, but just…tone it down when we’re around other people, dammit.”  
“Aaaahhhh, it’s like a dream come true!! This is the closest I’ll ever get to being your boyfriend~”

He seems way too…happy, dammit.

“A few rules,” I sigh. “No kissing. I’m not ready for that shit yet, and people will get the wrong idea.”  
“Right!!” Antonio says, beaming. “I understand!! No kissing!!”  
“And don’t greet me by squishing me in hugs,” I snort. “Not all the time, at least. Sometimes is okay.”  
“Okay!!”  
I smile to myself. He really gets this. It’s so cute. “And no calling me ‘darling’ or ‘sweetie’ - none of that, dammit. I never really liked pet names, anyway.”  
“Ahhh…” He looks a bit disappointed, but nods.  
“You can still call me…Lovi, though.” I blush and look away. “Anyway, uhmm…you also can’t announce that we’re dating or anything. I don’t really know what to think of our relationship. It’s nothing romantic, but we’re more than just friends.”  
“That makes…no sense, Lovino.”   
“S-shut up. It’ll make sense soon enough. You just have the attention span of a twelve-year-old kid who was diagnosed with severe ADHD.”  
Antonio smiles. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, but yes, I have ADHD.”

Oh, shit. Red light!! Red light!! I messed up!!

“Oh…” I bite my lip. “S-sorry.”  
“It’s okay,” he laughs. “It’s nothing severe. Besides, you didn’t know - and you’re pretty much known in our group for your iconic insults, ahahaha.”  
“I called Alfred ‘dick cheese’ once,” I laugh.  
Antonio grins. “You’re so cute when you smile!! Do it again~”  
“No.” I cross my arms and glare at him. “You missed it.”  
“Awww. If I can make you smile again, can I take a photo?”  
I shrug. “Depends if you’re actually capable of making me smile at all, you bastard.”  
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.” He makes a pouty face, and the corners of my mouth twitch. So cute.

\--

“So…the other guys that caught your eye,” Antonio mumbles, “what’re they like?”  
I smirk. They don’t fucking exist!! But he doesn’t know that. It’s all going according to my plan. “Ohh, so, so. They aren’t really that cool.”  
“What do you think of me, though?” he asks. “And why was I one of those guys?”  
Oh, shit. I shrug. “Y-you’ve always been there for me. And…you aren’t too bad. But I’m never saying that again, dammit.”  
“Ah, is that so? Then I’ll make sure to make you smile lots, Lovi!”  
“Ugh.”

I stare at him. “You never know when to stop, do you?”  
“Hmm?” Antonio smiles. “What does that me-“

I press my lips to his right cheek, gripping lightly onto his shoulders. He flinches a little, but I withdraw my lips from him, and throw my arms around him.

“I don’t know if I love you or not,” I whisper. “It’s scary, you know.”  
Antonio smiles. “I already know that I love you. Take your time, Lovino. But I don’t know what’s holding you back…”  
“It’s partly because I already have a reputation at school for being ‘the handsome guy everyone is interested in’,” I mumble. “It scares me to even think about how they would react if I suddenly got a boyfriend. And my mom’s reaction would be even worse, dammit.”  
“Ah.”

I look up at him, and slip my hands into his. “Why is it that only gay people have to come out, Antonio? Why isn’t life fair?”

\--

“Oho? You two slept in a room alone, in the same bed?”

Elizaveta Hedervary - or better known as Liz. The scariest girl in our group. I don’t know why, but Alfred decided to invite her. Maybe he thought Clarisse would be lonely or something? I don’t know.   
The point is that she’s chaotic. Too chaotic. She always looks out for any gay moment present in and out of our group - it’s scary.

“Yeah,” Antonio laughs. I elbow him, and he nods. “Ah, but we faced away from each other, so…”  
Liz makes a face. “Ew. Boring.”  
“What did the girls do in the other room?” Feliciano asks.  
“We shit-talked about the guys, of course,” Clarisse snorts. “And we watched movies.”  
“Boring,” Alfred laughs.  
“Well, you two were being really gay last night, weren’t you?” Liz laughs, raising her cup of tea, gesturing towards me and Antonio. “I could hear you on the other side of the room!”  
“Y-you could?!” I exclaim.   
“Well,” Clarisse mumbles, “we could hear muffled noises that were probably your voices.”  
“Oh.”  
“Hahahahaha!!” Alfred laughs. “Nice one!!”  
Alfred’s quieter, older twin brother Matthew says in a little voice, “Are you two dating?”

I kinda feel bad for Matthew. He’s a nice guy. I hang out with him and Gilbert a lot of the time, and he’s a lot quieter than Al. He and his brother are practically polar opposites, dammit. He’s nice, yet nobody really acknowledges his existence most of the time. 

“No,” I say. “We aren’t dating. There is no romantic connection between us at all.”  
The words are slowly killing me inside, and I can tell that it’s the same for Antonio, whose eyes are shifting back and forth across the room.  
“We’re not dating,” Antonio says. “Please don’t spread false rumors about us.”  
Francis raises his eyebrows. “Well, this is a bit tense. And awkward.”  
“M-maybe we should change the topic?” Matthew suggests, looking up at Francis. He and Francis have some sort of a brotherly relationship. It’s kinda cute, but I still don’t like Francis, dammit.

…It’s as if we’re scared to let anyone know about our relationship. Hah.  
…


	6. curls and confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For years, nobody has ever had any idea of what Lovino's curl is there for, or what it does.   
> Nobody, except Antonio.

“Whore.”

Clarisse smirks. “You two shared a bed again?”

I frown. We basically don’t have a choice, right? That was decided before we even confirmed that we were both in love with each other yesterday night. “I’m not a whore. Nothing happened, dumbass.”

“I know, I know,” she laughs. “Just kidding!”

“Ugh. Do you even have a decent boyfriend right now, Clarisse?”

She grins. “Yeah. He’s…different from the other boys I’ve been with in the past.”

That’s…what she always says, though. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” Clarisse blushes. “He’s kind, and very discreet…not mature to the point that he’s uptight, but…there’s just something different about him.”

I roll my eyes. “Girl. Be more specific, dammit. Good different, or bad different?”

“Weird…different?”

“Ewww.”

“Nah,” she laughs. “Good different. Funny different. Sweet different - he’s not afraid to be who he is. He’s funny, and doesn’t have a massive ego.”

I grin. “Do you have a pic?”

“Ugh. You have a boyfriend!! Also, he’s mine. Here.” She shoves her phone in my face, and I stare at the photo.

Clarisse’s boyfriend is a Japanese dude who’s just a little taller than her, and-

Ah.

…

…Haru?

“Dude.” I look back up at my friend. “You’re dating Haru?”

She blinks. “Yeah. You two are close friends, right?”

“Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.” I raise an eyebrow. “Good choice, though. He’s pretty cute.” I give her the thumbs up.

Antonio hugs me from behind. “Babbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!”

“?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!!!!!!”

“How are you?” He kisses me on the cheek, and I glare at him.

“You really have to stop doing that, you bastard.” I pinch his cheeks. “Dumbass.”

“You’re soooooooo cuteeee!!”

“No, you.”

“Please stop,” Clarisse mumbles. “You two are so gay.”

The sound of approaching footsteps behind us makes me turn around. I like to be cautious. Who knows, the potato bastard could just appear out of nowhere, here to kill us all!

…

…I’m not telling Feliciano that, though. Lately he’s been pretty scary whenever I shit-talk about his boyfriend.

“Clarisse!!” Haru calls out, giving his girlfriend a hug. “What’ve you been doing lately?”

She shrugs. “Nothing. You?”

“Changing all of my anime wallpapers to other things.”

“About time,” Clarisse snorts. “What did you change it to?”

“You,” he says, giving her a calm smile. Her expression suddenly changes, and she throws her arms around him.

“Awwww. You’re adorable, too!! Ang cute cute naman~”

“Ahaha, you, too!”

Antonio smiles, giving them the thumbs up. I hold up both of my middle fingers, shoving them in Clarisse’s face. “THAT’S THE SAME THING, DAMMIT!!!”

“Only it’s not gay,” Antonio corrects me.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S GAY OR NOT- REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“

\--

We decided on hanging out at Clarisse’s house for a change.

Though Clarisse’s place is a simple two-storey house, she’s pretty fucking serious about keeping it hella clean. She lives with two younger siblings - and her parents are away a lot of the time, so she has to make sure that everything’s always in place.

“God, I’d love to live in a cute house like this with you,” Antonio gushes, squeezing my hand. “It’s soooo cute!! This life would be ideal~”

“With the screaming kids running all over the house?” I eye a little girl whose little hands are touching the screen of the TV. Antonio smiles and gives a little laugh.

“I’d love to have children of our own, and you know it, Lovino.”

“Biological?” I ask, putting my bag beside the sofa. Antonio nods, his smile fading. I sigh. “Yeah. Not possible. Unless we go through with, y’know, surrogacy.”

Clarisse is setting plates out on the dining table. “Is that even legal?”

“In some states, yes,” Antonio sighs. “But I’d feel bad for…the genetic mother. Even if we mix our sperm or whatever. That’s how surrogacy works, and it’s basically the only way we’ll ever get a biological child in the future. Just…mix the sperm..” I wrinkle my nose in disgust at his comment, and he laughs.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind,” Clarisse sighs. “If I know that I’m helping two of the people I see as family, then I have absolutely no problem with it.”

“R-really?!” I gasp.

Clarisse smirks, scooping out rice from a pot. “Why are you even talking about kids now? It’s only been what, two days? Who knows, you two could just…break up one day.”

I shake my head. “N-no we won’t,” I whisper. I love him too much. I always have.

She looks back at me, and sets the pot back onto the table. “…I was joking.”

The small children continue to toss small stuffed toys across the lounge room, and Clarisse bites her lip. I look down, and squeeze Antonio’s hand, allowing our fingers to interlace together.

“Does it really matter?” I mumble.

\--

“She didn’t mean any harm,” Antonio sighs. “She was just…making a point…but I think she could’ve worded it better, yes.”

I shove a pillow in his face. “Dumbass. I knew that. I…I just take things the wrong way lately, dammit…”

“My darling,” he sighs. “You’re so, so, beautiful…”

“Yeah, well…” I look up at him, eyeing him up and down. He looks…

…Hot.

“You look like a piece of shit,” I snort. “The cutest piece of shit in the world.”

“Aww. Come over here.”

“N-nngghh!!”

I’m…a little overwhelmed by how close he is to me right now, dammit…

Antonio tucks some of my hair behind my ear, and leans in closer. “Are you alright?”

I nod. “Y-yeah. Just…tired.”

Tired, my ass.

God, he’s so hot. I can’t help but get horny sometimes, okay? With a man like him in my life, I…I…ahhh!!!

“But you slept for a long time,” Antonio sighs. I glare at him.

“Fuck you.”

Mmm. How about you fuck me instead?-

Ah.

Maybe not.

\--

I…I don’t want to freak him out.

We haven’t really gotten that far into our relationship yet, either. I mean, we’ve known each other for a really long time, but…

Hmm.

Well, at least now I know that he isn’t a virgin, dammit. He’s fucked around with more than seven people (not all at once, though). I’d say that’s pretty damn hot.

Antonio smiles at me. “I…I’m gonna go take a shower, okay? I’ll be right back~”

“Cool.”

And then…he just…

…

…strips right in front of me.

Yep.

Boxers and all.

“?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!” I’m gaping at him. Antonio looks back at me, and raises his eyebrows.

“Lovi? What’s wrong?” He then looks down at himself, and laughs. I kinda feel like an idiot for some reason right now, but…still!! That was totally uncalled for!! Antonio grins at me. “Lovino, we’ve known each other for years. Surely you’ve seen me naked before?”

I bite my lip, and look away in embarrassment. It was so sudden, too!! “B-but that was when we were little, stupid! We were like, five years old!”

A-and…I’m gay…and I love him…but that’s beside the point.

“Ahahaha, sure, sure. I’ll be back, okay?”

“…Yeah.”

Antonio shuts the door, and I give a sigh.

Ugh. He’s so goddamn clueless!

…

…Nice ass, though.

The door suddenly swings open again, and I double over - almost instantly hitting the ground.

Antonio smiles. “You’re free to join me, you know~”

“Oh, go to hell.”

\--

Oh, damn. Thicc.

Why exactly did I fall in love with him, though? I mean, aside from the whole ‘he’s hot and my childhood friend’ thing.

Then again, there’s the fact that he knows almost everything about me. It’s as if he’s been my boyfriend my whole life.

Or, as my mom put it…he’s like a brother to me. But we’ll ignore that, because he isn’t.

\--

I creak open the door of the bathroom. He said I could come in, right…?

Goddammit, gay thoughts!! He’s in the fucking bath. Leave him alone!

But…

…I’m lonely…and he’s taking too long, dammit!!  


“Awww, did you miss me?” Antonio teases, looking back at me. I glare at him, and shift around.

“With every bullet,” I mumble. “Anyway, uhhhmm…can I…”

Antonio grins. “Sure. Just be glad I didn’t go for the shower this time.”

I roll my eyes. As if we’re ready for shower sex, or any type of sex, for that matter. We’ve barely even made out yet. “Whatever.”

Antonio grins. “So, are you…?”

I snort and start to take off my shirt. “Yeah, yeah. We’re lovers now, so it should be alright.” I quickly bite my lip in realization. “Oh, but, uhhh…don’t focus too much on my body.” My self-esteem is gradually lowering as every second passes by.

Oop.

…

…There go the pants.

And the boxers.

He’s not staring at me right now. It’s fine.

I step into the bath, and heave an exasperated sigh. I’m so…tired lately. It’s weird. “P-please don’t stare, okay?” My cheeks get hot again, and I look away in embarrassment.

“You’re so cute,” Antonio laughs. “You’re still so beautiful, yet you don’t believe me when I say it. Maybe I should record you in your sleep.”

“Ewwww, no!!”

“Ahahaha, only joking!” he giggles. Antonio slips his hand on mine, and smiles at me. “Your body is fine. I don’t have to look at it to know that it’s true.”

“Why is this all about my body,” I mutter. “That’s stupid.”

Antonio gapes at me in horror. “Of course not, mi amor! I don’t love you for your looks, you know!”

“I-I know, but…”

He suddenly changes his position, so that he’s hovering on top of me. “Lovino, do you not take our relationship seriously?”

“I…I just don’t want either of us to get hurt,” I sigh. “You’ve had so many lovers in the past…I don’t want to end up like them.” I’m so fucking selfish.

“Did I make it seem like I’ll use you for your body?” he groans. “I’m so sorry, love. I’ll make it up to you.”

I shake my head, and wrap my arms around him. I then guide one of his hands towards my chest, and let out a little moan. “Nngh…”

“Lovino-“

I press my lips to Antonio’s, and allow my fingers to entangle themselves in his hair. God, his hair is so soft. Those endless, adorable curls. As I pull away, I slip my hands into his. “I’m sorry for being such a jerk lately, dammit.”

“It’s alright,” he sighs. “I was mentally unstable at one point, too. We’ve all been there, done that.”

“Antonio!!”

“Ahahahahaha~”

Antonio blushes. “Uhmm…are you really okay with doing this?”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Besides, nearly everyone in my class already lost their virginity.”

He makes a face. “What?”

“…Yeah.” It’s getting more and more awkward by the minute. “I was just thinking…”

“Lovino, I don’t want to make love to you for the first time just because you’re concerned about being out of place based on society’s standards,” Antonio says. “I need to know if you’re ready.”

…Am I ready?

I shrug. “Take me to the damn bedroom. Please.”

“Lovino…” Antonio gives another sigh, and lifts me up. It never occurred to me that he was physically stronger than we had all thought.

But…this is nice.

\--

...Why?

Instead of having my first time with the love of my life, I’m sitting on the bed wrapped up in a towel.

…Why did it have to end up like this?

I glare at my boyfriend. “We could’ve done it right there, you know.”

“It doesn’t feel right,” Antonio protests. “Isn’t sex something that should be done out of pure love?”

“But we love each other,” I snort. If that isn’t pure love, I don’t know what it is. We’ve practically known each other for the majority of our lives.

“But it’s also something that both partners need to consent to,” he sighs. “I…I’m not consenting, Lovino. And I’m not sure you were, either. I thought we weren’t supposed to be secretive of each other? Why did you lie to me?”

I flop back down in bed. “I’m not answering that.”

“Lovino, we’re just not ready yet,” Antonio says, walking over to sit next to me. “I’m sorry, darling.”

He’s right, I think to myself, biting my lip. Just because we’ve known each other for fourteen years doesn’t mean we’ve exactly progressed far in our relationship.

I never really considered how Antonio’s probably feeling about our relationship. Sure, he has a hell of a complicated love life, but…this is different. I’m being too forceful.

Ah, shit. Now I’m crying.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “It…it can wait.”

Antonio smiles, and wraps his arms around me again. “Oh, don’t cry, Lovino! I’m not mad. You’re still young, so…”

I glare at him. “I’m eighteen, Antonio. I’m an adult.”

“Ah.”

“Yeaaaahhhh.” I raise an eyebrow, and he laughs. I pinch his cheeks. “Why the hell are you laughing? I’m basically legal - I’m not a kid anymoreeeeeeeee!!”

“You don’t act like an adult, though,” he laughs. “By the way, does it still work?”

I cock my head to the side. “Does what wo-aAaaaahhhh~”

Amused, he raises his eyebrows and continues to stroke the prominent curl resting on top of my head. “Woah, after all this time, it still works?”

“O-of course it does!!” I groan, feeling my face get hot again. “Dammit, Antonio, let go of it already…uhhnnnhhh…” Before I know it, I’m a mess of short breaths and squirms.

Antonio…was the only person besides my grandfather and brothers who ever knew about the curl.

The curl. Ohh, the curl, goddammit!! When my mother was raising me as a small child, she could never put her finger on it - she had no idea whatsoever on why it was there when I was born - and why it stayed there as I grew up.

Thing was, the curl was actually an erogenous zone that ran in my family on my dad’s side - though only some were born with it. In a nutshell, I get horny whenever anything touches it. Oh, and the same goes for Feliciano and Romeo, too.

And Antonio just so happened to find out about it when we were still small kids. I was about four, while Antonio was five. He was playing with my hair - sticking stupid ribbons and clips in it, commenting how soft it was…

…And then he accidentally touched the curl. I didn’t know what that feeling was, but back then…I was four.

Well.

Four year old me thought that it felt…so fucking disgusting, dammit. Like I was about to piss or something.

So I started crying, Antonio called my mom over, and my mom got mad at me. Good times.

But by the time I was thirteen, my hormones were raging and that ‘feeling’ no longer felt disgusting. Ugh.

“…Sorry,” Antonio says, releasing the curl from his fingers. “Are you alright?”

“It’s fine,” I quickly say. “D-do it again…”

“Oh.” He smirks, and takes hold of the stubborn curl again. “Okay.”

I shudder in pleasure as he continues to run his fingers up and down my erogenous zone. As if I’m unconscious of my actions - as if I were possessed by some sort of sex demon, I started moaning his name, and-

“Lovino?”

I snap out of my trance, and glance back up at him. “Yeah?” Then my face reddens in realization, and I quickly look away. “Oh.”

“Lovino, I’m…kind of tired,” he sighs. “I’ll just sleep for a while, okay?”

“Oh.” My embarrassment is only growing bigger and bigger by the second. I feel horrible. “Okay. S-s-sleep well.”


	7. floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovino feels bad after what happened, so he distances himself from Antonio for a bit.
> 
> Unfortunately for him (but fortunate for us!) , Antonio breaks out of his 'dense mode' for a bit and sees right through him, so the two, uhh...reconcile. Something like that.
> 
> \--
> 
> (Some slight nsfw and curl play~)

…Antonio was still sleeping by the time I woke up, so I went to school early without waking him up.

I still feel bad about yesterday. He was clearly not ready for anything intimate or physical between us, yet I tried to have sex with him. As if things weren’t worse enough, I got horny in front of him.

Dammit. It hasn’t even been long and our relationship is already falling apart?

\--

I sat by myself on the train to school today - at the very back. I’m just not in the mood right now.

I feel bad. I made him feel uncomfortable, and-

“You’re really stupid.”

Startled, I blink twice in confusion, before turning to see Clarisse sitting next to me. I lift my headphone off my ears. “Clarisse? Why are you-“

“The real question here,” she says, moving closer to me, “is why are you sitting at the back of the train like a loner loser, instead of being swarmed by jocks and popular girls, like you always were?” Clarisse bites her lip. “That is, before you started dating Antonio.”

“That’s the thing,” I snort. “Think about it, Clarisse. We go to a very strict Catholic private high school. What would they think if we were to go public about our relationship?”

My friend pins her bangs to the side and quickly adjusts my scarf, before turning around to look outside the window. The train is moving fast - like a whirlwind of some sort.

When we were little, Antonio and I used to pretend the train was a time machine. I was too shy to play along at first - because I didn’t want to seem childish, but I eventually gave in.

I smile to myself. It was…fun.

“I get it,” she sighs. “I know what you mean. But not all Christians are homophobic, y’know? My entire family is Catholic, but they’re hella supportive. Only…” Clarisse lets go of the windowsill, and glances back at me. “They just…don’t understand that well.”

I smirk. “Of course I get it. I’m…I’m Catholic too, you know. I’m very devoted to my religion, too. But I just hate it when people think it’s okay to be an asshole and say that Christians can’t be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. That kind of shit is not okay.”

The train finally pulls over to stop at another station, and I grab my bag and stand up. I look over at Clarisse, and give a sigh. “Please don’t tell anyone about this conversation. I’ll just…apologize to Antonio later on.”

“Sure, sure,” she says, also standing up. “You sure you’re okay, though? I’m pretty sure we all know you kind of…” Clarisse tries to hold back her laugh. “You kind of…hate people, but it’s still not like you to sit at the back like a complete loner. Just tell any of us if something’s up, okay?”

I grin and hug her. “Thanks.” Then I make a face. “Why you, though?” Clarisse rolls her eyes, and we step out of the train.

“Because I’m experienced. I’ve been with countless guys before Haru came along, so I know how to please guys and dump them if they’re being dicks. I also know the difference between good and bad signs in relationships, so give me a call if something happens. Oh, and we’re gonna be late, so we should probably stop talking and uh…run.”

\--

“I’m home,” I sigh, shutting the door behind me. Antonio turns around, and grins.

“How was school?” he asks.

“Terrible,” I reply. “Anyway, uhmm…I’m really sorry about yesterday, dammit. I-I didn’t mean to do that.”

Antonio raises his eyebrows. “Is that why you left for school without telling me or even saying goodbye? Were you worried?” I give a shy nod, and he hugs me. “Aww!! It’s alright! I was just…a bit confused, that’s all.”

Confused. Hah. Of course - this is my boyfriend we’re talking about, after all. Possibly the most oblivious man on the planet. “Oh.” I blush, and slip my hands into his. “T-that’s alright, then. I…I missed you today.”

“By the way,” Antonio says, “your mom and grandfather are coming over later on tonight, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. Does that mean you have to go home?”

Antonio shrugs. “I don’t know.” He looks back at me. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to go,” I sigh. “I love you so much.”

“Lovi…” He smiles. “You know, I’ve never seen you this open towards me. Are these the benefits of dating you?”

I glare at him. “N-no.”

He suddenly presses his lips to my neck. I gasp a little as he trails little kisses down the nape of my neck, while stroking my hair. Antonio slips one of his hands up my shirt, and his lips reach mine.

I feel his other hand gently touch my back, slowly slithering lower as the kiss develops further. He moves in closer, until our crotches are touching. And then…

Oh.

Ohhhh.

Ahem.

And then…we both sink down to our knees…

…then down to the ground…

…then Antonio goes on top of me…

…and we make out.

No, literally. Oh my God. I’m actually making out with him. Finally.

Our tongues are interwined, and Antonio is…groping me. And god, it feels good. Oh, fuck.

Antonio gives my curl a sharp yet somewhat gentle tug, and I let out a loud moan, as I writhe in pleasure. He continues to kiss and caress me, as he strokes my curl.

We finally pull away from the kiss, and I collapse back onto the floor in a mass of breaths and sighs. Antonio gives me one last quick kiss on the lips, before falling beside me.

Antonio smiles. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “I just…didn’t expect it…” There’s some sort of a wet warmth lingering in my lower regions. I shudder and rest my head against his shoulder.

Antonio raises his eyebrows and looks down at my crotch. “I don’t think either of us expected it, really. Ahahaha.”

I blush. “Antonio…I think I came…”

“You did,” he sighs. “I really didn’t expect that.”

“You should’ve,” I snort, elbowing him. “It was my curl.”

“Ah, yes.”

In reality, it doesn’t actually really matter whether it’s my curl or not, though. I’m sensitive all over. Antonio once accidentally touched my thighs, and I was trying to ignore it. Having a boner in front of my best friend and future boyfriend? Nope, can’t have that, dammit.

I stand up, and look down at him. “Well?”

“Well, what?” Antonio asks. I roll my eyes.

“I’m gonna go and sleep. Are you just gonna lie down there?”

“Are you really gonna sleep, or watch movies?”

“…Netflix, dammit.”

“Ahaha, knew it! Then I’ll be joining you~ Now, come on and help me up, okay?”

“You lazy ass. Go get up yourself. I’m not carrying you-“

“Awww.”

“…Fine.”


	8. ilysm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Antonio stops being oblivious for a bit and notices that Lovino's...hornier than usual. Shit goes down when the couple stay in their shared bedroom at Liz's beach house. Doors are locked, lights go off, and the room is dimmed. Mmmmm.
> 
> \--
> 
> Tagalog translations:
> 
> \- Gago (Asshole)  
> \- Pekpek (Pussy)
> 
> \--
> 
> man i do love clarisse and her filipino-esque tempers

“We should look for events we can all go to together,” Feliciano suggests. “Right, Clarisse?”

We’re all hanging out at Clarisse’s place. The rest of her family is staying with their family friends, so we decided to stay with Clarisse, so she wouldn’t be alone.

I-I mean, it’s not like I was actually concerned, though. That girl can’t be trusted alone, dammit.

Ludwig looks down at his phone, scrolling through a site. “Apparently there’s going to be an LGBTQIA+ pride event tomorrow. Are any of you interested?”

I sink back down into the sofa, covering my face with a pillow. Antonio grins and looks down at me, ruffling my hair. “Hey, Lovi, do you wanna go?”

“No,” I mumble. “I’m not…exactly openly gay yet, Antonio. I’m not comfortable right now. What if someone from school sees me there? What if my mom finds out?”

Antonio gives an awkward smile. “Oh. S-sorry. I just…wanted to do something fun with you, that’s all.”

I shrug. “It’s okay.” It’s not his fault his family is more acceptable than mine. I’m a little envious, but…I feel bad at the same time. I’m being a jerk. “Sorry.”

We stare at each other for a bit, and I give a little smile, slipping my hand into his.

Oh. His hand is…really warm. I feel my face get hot, and I look up to see that Antonio’s also blushing. I lean in to kiss him, and-

Clarisse stomps around the room, and bangs her fists on a table. We all jump and stare at her, and she grins. “Hoyyy!! Anybody have their driving license yet?”

“Meeeee!!” Feliciano squeals. “I got mine! Maybe you guys could let me drive?”

“If you want to risk your lives,” Kiku mumbles, looking up from his book. He shudders. “I…I would know. Who knows how he got his driver’s license in the first place.”

Clarisse laughs. “Any chance you’d be fine with driving a mini bus?”

“Ohhh? They make tiny buses now?” Feliciano’s eyes widen, and Clarisse shakes her head.

“Next?” She glances towards the rest of us. Arthur raises his hand.

“I managed to get mine last year,” he calmly replies. “Maybe-“

“No,” Antonio snaps. He returns to his usual happy expression, and smiles at the rest of us. “What about the rest of you?”

I shrug. “I got mine recently, so…”

“Good!!” Antonio cheers. “My boyfriend will drive us all~”

“Sure, if you’re fine with me driving off a cliff.”

“No!!”

“Hah.”

\--

I press my ear to the door, trying to hear everyone else’s voices. We’re supposed to be leaving soon - the potato bastard is waiting outside in the mini bus. Fucking hell. Why does he get to drive and not me? Hmph.

Well…I didn’t really know what to wear, but it’s summer and it’s hot outside, so…I wore…

A cropped shirt and booty shorts…the garter type.

Ohh, fuck. I kinda look like a slut, don’t I?

But…

…

…Oh, and I’m also wearing piercings. Not a lot of people know that I, uhm…have piercings. And not just on my ears, either. Mmhmm.

…

…

………….Just gonna forget that I look like a slut, then? Hah. I bet Clarisse looks even more-

“Hoyy!! Why are you taking so long?” Clarisse demands, opening the door. I scream and cover my thighs, and she looks down at me. “Don’t do that. You aren’t a girl. It’s not like you have anything to hide, anyway. Oh, and by the way, we’re going shopping. Whatever isn’t on sale, we don’t buy. Oh, and it might be a once-in-a-lifetime thing, so, uhh… _pili na.”_

I roll my eyes. “Nice try, Ris. Oh, and there, uh…kinda is something to hide. But what the hell do you know about guys?”

Clarisse gapes at me. “ _Gago_!!”

“Lesbian!!

“Gay!!”

“Asswipe!!”

“ _Pekpek_!!”

“UIWJDKSAJDKLAJKDLSJD”

“DHSJKAHDJSKAHDKJAS”

“Guys!!” Antonio groans. “Stop it already! Can we just-“ He raises his eyebrows and looks down at me, before pushing Clarisse out of the way. “Ohhhh, my. Ohhhhhhhh, my.”

“I-“

“What do you think right now, my dear?” Antonio gushes, taking my hand into his. “Ohhh, my God. You’re so gorgeous. Those thiiiiiiighhhsss.”

I glare at him. “I’m thinking that you’re being fucking creepy right now, dammit.”

“Ah.”

Clarisse snorts. “So much for the ‘romantic moment’ you were planning earlier.”

“Shall we leave now?” Arthur grunts in annoyance, glaring at his boyfriend, who’s doing a Fortnite dance at the moment. “I’ll smack you with my luggage,” he snaps. “Now stop this nonsense, this instant!”

\--

“I feel sick,” Kiku mumbles. “I do not feel very well right now. How much longer until we reach our destination?”

Ludwig glances back at him. “About three more hours. Please be patient.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And there are sick bags over there, in the bag next to Feliciano.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

I can’t help but cringe. It’s getting pretty damn tense right now. Hell, there isn’t even any music playing! “Do we have an AUX cord or something?” I complain. “It’s so goddamn boring right now.”

“Sure,” Clarisse mutters. “It’s over here. Play some decent music.”

I grin and plug the cord into my phone, scrolling through my Spotify playlist. “Sure, sure. Uhhh…Alex? You got any suggestions?”

We had invited Alfred’s friends from school - the twin exchange students from California - Tyler and Alex. Though I don’t know much about the twins, all I know is that Alex has some good music taste. He’s into rock…and k-pop.

…Yep.

“How ‘bout we put on some old tunes, then?” Alfred suggests. “Y’know…WHAT IS LOVE-“

“BABY DON’T HURT ME-“ Clarisse screeches.

“I WANNA KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW,” Alex and I scream. Clarisse gives us a dirty look.

“No K-pop.”

“Aww.” Haru laughs. “I like that song.”

I grin at Antonio. “Hey…”

“Hmm?” He smiles and ruffles my hair. “What’s up?”

“Anything you notice?” I straighten my posture, so he can see all of me.

“No…?” Antonio continues to smile and shrug in a confused way, until his eyes stop at my stomach. “Oh, my.”

“I got a piercing on my bellybutton the other day,” I laugh. “That’s why I was away for a while.”

“Oh, baby.” He gives a lighthearted laugh. “You naughty boy.”

“I know,” I sigh. “My mom was already mad enough when Clarisse pierced my ears when I had a sleepover at her place when I was thirteen, so I can’t imagine her reaction when she finds out about this.”

“She doesn’t have to find out,” Antonio says, grinning. “I like it. It’s pretty.”

“Aww, thanks,” I giggle. I lift up my cropped shirt a little, admiring the piercing. “I just…don’t feel like following rules at the moment, dammit.”

“Rebellious,” Haru snorts. “Being the stereotypical rebellious kid who’s always at risk of getting expelled from school? Huh, I see where you’re coming from.”

Alfred falls out of his seat, and Ludwig’s head hits the back of the seat in shock. The mini bus screeches for about three seconds, before getting back on track again.

“Alfred!!” the potato bastard yells. “Sit down and stop falling!!”

“Yo, man,” Al sighs. “This bus don’t got no seatbelts, yo!”

“Stop talking like you’re black,” Arthur mumbles. “That’s utterly racist.”

“It really doesn’t have seatbelts,” I snort. “It’s tiny and old. Besides, it’s not really illegal, since it’s, well…a fucking bus.”

Alfred stares at my stomach. “Whoa, you have so many piercings now! You got one on your fuckin’ bellybutton, a bunch on your ear…” He leans in to whisper. “Do you have a dick piercing?”

“What the hell is a dick piercing?” I snort. “Go home, Alfred, you’re drunk.”

“You can’t get drunk on Coke, man.”

\--

_“I WANNA KNOWWWWWWWWWW~”_

_“I WANNA KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW-“_

_“ W H A T I S L O V E ? ! “_

_“SARANGI EOTTEUN NEUKKIMINJI-“_

“Shut up,” Clarisse groans. “You and Haru are too loud. Sing quieter.”

“A-ni-ya,” Haru says. “That means ‘no’ in Korean-“

“I KNOW.”

“Good.”

“You’re so hot,” Antonio sighs. “I never knew you could be this sexy.”

I roll my eyes. “Save those words for when we have sex in the future, baby. Not now.”

“What about the curl?” he teases, leaning in closer. I giggle.

“Everyone’s here with us,” I laugh. “Not now. But…” I glance back at everyone else on the bus. Nobody seems to be paying any attention. Fuck. “I’ll let you know when, mm?” I kiss him on the cheek, and he blushes. I part my legs a little, giving him a small view of my inner thighs. “Hmmm~”

“I’m gonna explode,” Antonio sighs. “It’s too hot in here. Someone open the window. Please.” I laugh and kiss him again.

I grin. “Fuck, I feel so gay.”

“You really are,” he laughs. “It’s adorable when you’re happy like this, you know? I want to see more.”

“More of me being gay?” I snort, crossing my legs. “Well, you’re in luck. That shit’s gonna be everywhere.”

“Yes, please,” he moans.

I glare at him. “And…you just ruined the mood again. You just lost your chance.”

“Eeehhh?!?!!! Chance?! I-I’m sorryyyyyyyy~ I didn’t mean it~”

“Too late~”

“Awww.”

\--

“We’re here,” Liz cheers. “This is my family’s beach house, and they’re letting you guys stay here for a week for free, because they know you’re my friends! C’mon, go in and take a look.”

Typical Liz. That girl is fucking wealthy, man. I nod towards Antonio. “Huh. You wanna go in? She said it’s fine.”

Antonio smiles. “Sure~”

\--

Holy shit.

The place is huge - and beautiful, too. And there are seven spare bedrooms. Oh my God.

“It’s so cool!” Feliciano exclaims, twirling around and giggling like the bubbly idiot he is. “Thanks, Liz~”

“It’s fine,” Liz sighs. “Do whatever you guys want to do - I’ll be in the kitchen with Clarisse.”

“Whatever we like?” Antonio asks. He grins at me. “I wanna see the bedroom~”

“Why?” I’m smirking.

“Because I brought your entire PS4 console with the games, and I was wondering if there was a TV.”

“Oh.” I stop smiling. “Okay.”

\--

“I lied,” Antonio mumbles.

I gape at him. “What, you didn’t actually bring my games?”

“No, no,” he laughs. “I mean…I did, but…I’ve noticed that while we were in the bus, you, uh…were…how do I put this…” Antonio gives an awkward smile, preparing for the worst. “…Horny?”

“…”

“…”

“…What.”

Panic flashes across his face, and he shakes his head. “No, I mean…uhh…umm…I’m sorry, I…hnnnhh…”

I roll my eyes. “You’re so stupid. Come over here.” I sit down on the bed, amused by its softness. “Hug me.”

Antonio gasps. “R-really?”

“Yes, really! What else, dammit?”

“Aaaaahhh~”

“Just hug me already.”

“Lovino?” Antonio smiles at me, brushing my bangs out of my face.

I smile back. “Hmm-“

“~”  
“!!”

He presses his lips to mine, holding me in his arms - gradually pulling me up closer against him. I run my fingers through his hair.

Antonio pulls away from the kiss, and strokes my hair. “Not horny, my ass. What’s this?”

“I…I’m not ready for actual sex yet,” I whisper. “I want…something. Something that we can’t do anywhere else than the bedroom, but something that isn’t sex…”

I start to move my hips against his, and I hear him gasp a little. He gently grips onto my arms, kissing me all over. Antonio starts sucking on my neck, and I let out a little moan.

“You’re so hot,” he breathes. “So, so, hot…”

“Mmph.” I throw my arms around him. “I love you.”

“You’re so beautiful,” Antonio sighs. He moves over so that he’s on top of me, and he holds my hand. “Do you want to go further?”

“…Yeah,” I breathe. “Now.”

“Ah…” He looks down. “Uhmm…”

“Huh?” Antonio shrugs.

“I…I don’t have a condom…”

I shrug. “Not like I care. I want it…”

And I oop-

I unzip the cropped shirt (yes, it has a zip, dammit) and shake it off my shoulders. I wince as my nipples harden from the temperature in the room, and I lie back down, staring at my boyfriend. “What?”

Antonio blushes. “I…hmm…”

“Take off the rest,” I laugh.

He smiles and moves down to unbutton my shorts, before proceeding to unzip them and, well…off with the shorts, hmm, hmm…

…You get what I mean, dammit.

He stares at my crotch for a while, and I begin to feel awkward. I bite my lip. “Uhh, Antonio…”

“Hmm?” He doesn’t lift his eyes off that one particular area of mine. Goddammit, why does this shit always happen to me… “What is it, darling?”

“Uhh…” I cringe. “Is…something wrong?”

“Lovino.” He sits up, and lets out a sigh. “You aren’t hard. At all.”

“Huh?” I glare at him. “O-of course I am!! Look, I’ll even look down and see, okay? I- oh.” He’s right. The bulge in my boxers isn’t…prominent…at all. Which is weird, because lately I’ve been getting horny a lot of the time, and most of it was because of my wild imagination involving my boyfriend.

“I’m sorry, darling. Maybe next time?” He kisses me on the forehead. “Tell me what’s wrong, baby.”

I shrug. “I…I don’t know. I felt up to it, but when you pulled down my shorts, I…” My cheeks color. “I…I’m embarrassed, Antonio. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but…I’m just…not comfortable with showing off my body right now. I’m sorry.”

Antonio hugs me, and kisses me on my neck. “Aww. It’s okay, Lovi. I don’t want to force you into doing it right now if you don’t want to. That would ruin the specialness of our special first time, hm?”

“Ugh.” I roll my eyes. “Antonio, hate to break it to you, but ‘specialness’ isn’t a fucking word.”

“Ohhh.” He grins. “Of course it isn’t, then!”

I laugh. “Thanks for understanding, babe. I love you.”

“You’re so beautiful, my dear.” Antonio takes my hands into his. “I’m so lucky.”

“I…I’m gonna go get dressed, then,” I say, sliding off the bed to pick up my clothes. My face reddens at the sight of the floor. We’ve only had this room for half an hour, yet we’ve already trashed it with our…clothes. What would Liz say?

Wait, never mind. She’d probably encourage it. That was a fucking stupid question, dammit.

“I mean,” Antonio says, stretching his arms, “good making-out session, right?”

I give a snort. “Ugh. Stuuupiddd. Remind me to wash my ears with bleach later on, hm? Thanks.” I blow a kiss to him, and he laughs.

“Aww, you’re so funny, my dear!” Antonio giggles. “Now I’m definitely okay with not having sex today, especially if it means I get to see you being this cute!”

“Ugh.” I fan myself with my hand. “Babe, I’m fucking thirsty for bleach. Now. _Ohhhh_.”

“Hot.”

I giggle and hug him. “I love you so fucking much.”


	9. sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse brings in the snacks and movies, and the gang decide to host a sleepover in Lovino and Antonio's room - much to Lovino's dismay. 
> 
> \--
> 
> Short chapter with fluff.

“You are actually a baby,” Clarisse snorts. “You didn’t have sex with him because you were scared, and you lied to him about being insecure of your body?”

“I didn’t lie,” I sigh. “I am insecure, dammit. But I’m just scared. I’m…a virgin, Clarisse. How am I supposed to know what to do?”

“Uhh, first of all,” she laughs, “your boyfriend is NOT a virgin.”

“He already told me that!” I slump down into the covers.

“So you have nothing to worry about!” Clarisse says. “It’s fine.”

“But what if I mess up?”

Clarisse points towards my laptop. “Research. A.k.a porn.”

“Oh.” I shrug. “Been there, done that.”

“So just do it with him already!” she says. “What the hell are you waiting for? Ano ba?”

“Yeah, well…” My face reddens. “I-in one porn video I watched, the guy on the bottom looks like he’s enjoying it, and he says that it feels really good! On the other hand, in this OTHER video, the guy on the bottom was crying!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT. HE WAS CRYING.”

Clarisse rolls her eyes. “Love has its sacrifices, you know. Your asshole will be fine.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

“Look, if you’re not ready, that’s fine,” she sighs. “I lost my virginity to a one-night stand, okay? And I completely regret it. Haru still thinks I’m a virgin.”

“So just tell him,” I scoff. “It’s not that hard.”

“So just have sex with your boyfriend already,” Clarisse retorts, folding her arms. “It’s not that hard.”

“Ugh, you win.” I slide off the bed. “I’m gonna go get some food. Outside. At the fucking mall. It’s so hot in here.”

“Big ego, much?” she laughs. “Oh, can I come?”

“No,” I sigh. “It’s…a date.”

“Ohhhh. Good luck, bro. Don’t fuck up the date.”

“Dumbass.”

\--

“Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh~”

I grin. “What are you staring at, Antonio?”

“You,” he breathes. “You should wear dresses more often. You’re so fucking adorable.”

“Ohhh, curse words,” I laugh. “You’re being serious, hmm?”

“No, seriously,” Antonio sighs. “You are too beautiful for this world.”

“Are you calling everything else ugly?” I giggle.

“Compared to you? Yes.”

“Oh my God. You’re so weird.” I hold his hand. “Hey, what do you think people will think when they see me? You think they’d be weirded out by a guy wearing a dress?”

“Does that matter?” he asks. “What matters is that you’re dressing the way you love, and I think that’s beautiful.”

“Ehehehehe~”

Antonio stares at me. “Did you just…laugh?”

I blush. “S-so what if I did?”

“You’re so cute,” he sighs. “You’re a baby. You’re so precious.”

I glare at him. “A baby?”

“Ah, well…you’re very sensitive and cry a lot, so…”

“And I also curse more than anyone else,” I sigh. “Possibly the horniest person in our group, too.”

“Objection!! That place goes to Francis.”

“Oh, yeah.”

\--

“How is your ass so…perfect?” I mumble. “I have such a flat butt. It’s sad.”

We’re standing outside the mall, in front of a fountain. It’s as if the people roaming around have somehow become…silent or something. Nothing else matters right now, because it’s my date with my boyfriend, dammit! Nothing will destroy our moment.

Antonio shrugs. “Your ass isn’t flat, it’s so cute! Ah, but…I actually don’t know. Ever since I was in middle school, my friends would always make jokes about me being the ‘ass god’. I never really understood it.”

Interesting. He doesn’t realize that he’s literally the ass god himself. “Wow. You’re…really stupid.”

“Ahahahahaha. And you were the one who said your ass was flat.”

“Oh, you have a comeback? Mmmmm.”

“Ahahahahahahha~”

God, I’m so gay. I love him too much. I don’t even care that I’m basically a gay man prancing around the mall with my boyfriend. I feel like a fucking princess.

I hug him. “Hey…so it doesn’t bother you that I’m basically…a gay crossdresser or something?”

“No,” Antonio says. “Uh, actually, I kind of see it as just you being happy with what you’re wearing!”

“Aww.” I kiss him on the cheek. “I love you so much.”

He looks down. “Oh. I didn’t, uh…realize you were holding my hand this entire time…”

My face flushes. “A-ah. I-is it sweaty or something?”

“No,” he says. “Your hands are so soft! So cute~”

The fountain roars behind us, and I move in closer to my boyfriend. “Antonio…”

He strokes my hair. “Yes, Lovi?”

“Darling,” I whisper, “promise me something.” Antonio’s face goes red, but I tighten my grip on his hand and exhale. “Promise that…you’ll never leave me. That we’ll never stop loving each other, no matter what kind of fucking shit happens. I love you too much. I’ve never met anyone else like you. Trust me, even though your older brother looks way too fucking much like you, he’s nothing like you. And I love that you’re unique. Please never leave me.”

I can’t stand being lonely.

Antonio holds me closer to him, and a soft noise resembling a little sob escapes from him. “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Lovino.”

“So?” I sigh. “Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I’ve always known you were cute, but…oh my god oh my god oh my god-“

“Antonio.”

“Ahhhhh…I hope you’ll always shower me with this much affection for years to come, baby…”

I roll my eyes and glare at him. “Do you have anything else to say?”

“Ohh.” Antonio grins. “Of course I’ll never leave you! I love you~”

“That’s more like it,” I snort. I blush and look away. “Uh…t-thank you, then…”

“Awww.”

I stretch my arms and look back at him. “And, uh…about last night…I’m happy. Not only that you stopped when you realized I wasn’t comfortable anymore, but…I’m happy. We tried. And…it was fun.”

Antonio hugs me. “Aww, I’m glad you enjoyed…whatever that was, darling. I liked it, too.”

“Whatever that was?” I snort. “It’s called dry-humping, Antonio.”

“Ohhhhh.”

“Sheesh, and I’m supposed to be the virgin between the two of us? Ugh.” I roll my eyes again. “What am I to do with you?”

“Shower me with affection again?” He pouts his lip, and stares at me. I laugh.

“Baby eyes don’t work on me, Antonio. Oh, but, uhhh…sure. We’ve been standing out here for a while, so…should we go?”

He nods. “Yeahhhhh~”

\--

“…Can we sleep in the same bed again tonight?” I ask, tugging onto his sleeve. “I want you to hug me again~”

Antonio blushes. “Of course, darling. Oh, and do you want to watch movies together again?”

“Yeahhhhhh.” I play with the ruffles of my dress, and smile at him. “We watched something cute last time, remember? Uhhh, maybe this time we should, uhhh…”

“Something less wholesome?” he laughs. “What are you thinking this time?”

“N-nothing with a lot of sex,” I quickly say. “Uhh, well…I was thinking of-“

“Oye-hoi-hoi!!” Clarisse yells, swinging the door open. The door crashes against the wall, and I scream. Clarisse grins. “We’re all having a sleepover in your room, because it’s the biggest!!”

“No girls allowed!!” I scream. “Go away! This is a ‘gay-men-only-‘ zone!!”

Antonio laughs. “Wait, wait. Let’s try to see what she wants. Clarisse, who else is sleeping here?”

“Everyone,” she replies. “Why?” My boyfriend grins and puts his hands on her shoulders.

“Get out.”

\--

…Antonio didn’t manage to convince Clarisse to leave, and everyone ended up staying over in our room.

I mean, Clarisse let me choose the movie, so...

“Brooo!! Why do we have to watch Mean Girls?” Alfred complains.

Clarisse sighs. “I made a deal with him, okay? He wouldn’t let us stay if we didn’t agree to watch his movie.”

“I stan Regina George,” I say, sinking into the covers of the bed. “I’m pretty much on the same brain level as Karen, though.”

Antonio raises his eyebrows. “I still don’t get why they decided to make a Burn Book. People were bound to find out about it, so why did they go for it?”

“Because high school,” I snort. “That’s not the point, Antonio.”

We gave them…conditions they had to follow if…they wanted to stay.

In other words, we have to watch chick flicks - courtesy of me.

And they also have to sit or lie down on the floor while Antonio and I lie down together in bed all snuggled up - courtesy of Antonio. How cute!!

I lean in to kiss him. “I kind of want to watch something else after this…”

“Like what?” he whispers.

“Whatever you want to watch,” I whisper, giving him a small smile.

\--

“I loooooovvveeeeee yooouuuuuu.”

I’m drunk. It’s all Clarisse’s fault for bringing alcohol, dammit.

I cling onto my boyfriend’s arm. “Baaaabbbbyyyyyyy.”

Antonio bites his lip. “Lovino, you need to rest. Lie down.”

“Nooooooooooooooooooo.” I kiss him. “I looooooovvvveeee yoooouuuuu. Yooouuuuuuu aaammmaazzziinnnnggg.”

“That’s not cute,” he sighs. “Tell me all of those things when you’re sober. Oh, and I have to sleep now. Good night.”

My lip quivers. “I-I want to be with you, thooouuuugggghhhhhh. Gnnghhhgjajdkadjnnnfk.”

“Then sleep,” Antonio mutters. “I’m tired.”

“Ohhhhhhhhh.” I curl up next to him in bed. “Goooodddddnniiggghhhtt.”

“Good night, darling,” he laughs. My head is spinning, and I can barely think.

“I looooooovvvveeeee yyyooouuuuu.”

I feel Antonio twitch a little at my words, and he lets out a little giggle. As I begin to fall asleep, I squeeze his hand and move in closer to him.


	10. walk in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovino's father returns after more than ten years.

I open my eyes and look around, only to see my boyfriend staring at me. He pokes my nose, and smiles at me. “Good morning, my darling Lovi~”

“G-good morning,” I mumble. I place my hand over his, and move in a little closer to him. “Did you…sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Antonio replies. “What are we gonna do today? We’re on holiday at our friend’s beach house, so there’s certainly lots to do, right?”

I sink down into the covers. “No.” I just want to be warm with you, I think to myself. “Can we…stay like this for a bit? Please…?”

Antonio stares at me for a bit, and my heart skips a beat. He brushes my bangs out of my face, before kissing me on the forehead. “Hey, what’s gotten into you lately? You’re being sweeter than usual, ahahaha…”

Sweeter than usual? I hide my face in his chest. “N-no, I just…I mean, you’ve already graduated, and I’m still in my final year of high school, so…” My lip quivers, and I feel my face getting hot again. “So…I don’t really get to spend much time with you anymore. We both have to study.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t choose to stay in the dorms,” he sighs, stroking my hair. “But I get what you mean. We’re dating now, so we really should start getting, uh…closer.”

My eyes widen, as I snap back up and stare at him. “…Closer?” My face reddens even more.

“N-not like that, of course,” Antonio laughs. “I mean, you’re…you’re eighteen, right…?” I nod, and he gives a little sigh. “Well, uhh…I’d be fine with it, but we don’t have to do it right now. You’re not ready yet.”

“Thanks for understanding then,” I sigh. “But, uhh…by the way, I got my report back from last semester.”

“Ohhh?” Antonio says. “How was it?”

I giggle. “I passed my exams. I’m not gonna forget what it was like having you tutor me. Ever.”

“Aww, baby, that’s great!” he says, hugging me again. “I’m so happy for you~”

“I’m still unemployed, though,” I mumble. “Nonno promised he’d reopen the family restaurant and let me work there, but only if my studies improve, dammit.” Which I thought was highly unlikely, but with my extremely studious boyfriend around, I’m not actually so sure anymore.

“Then I’m rooting for you,” Antonio cheers. “Go Lovi!!” I blush and cover my face with a pillow.

“F-fucking weird, dammit.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “I love you.”

\--

“You’re too young to drink,” Antonio sighs.

I glare at him. “Antonio, I’m eighteen, not eight. It’s fine.”

“But the legal age here is 21,” he protests.

“It’s not like I’m gonna get drunk though,” I laugh. “I’m not scary when I’m drunk, either.”

“I’ve never seen you drunk before, and that comment just made me feel even more unconvinced.”

“Oh, c’mon. You should drink too. Here, I’ll pour you a glass-“

He suddenly leans in forward, and kisses me. His arms are wrapped around me, and I look back, startled.

“A-Antonio-“

“I’m so happy,” he says. “I…I never thought I’d get to see you being this open with me.”

“Enough with the corny shit,” I snort. “Get to the point.”

He smiles. “Get to the point…?”

“Yeah. What the fuck’s so funny?”

“Nothing, darling. Only that it would take me all day to explain my love for you.”

“Ugh.”

\--

Antonio glances at me. “You know, I think we should make the most of today.” He dims the lights, and sits back in bed. “If you know what I mean.”

Oh, God. “What?” I mumble.

“I mean, Netflix should have something on,” he sighs, flicking on the TV. “Hmm, hmm…”

Oh, that’s what he meant. I blush and move in closer to him. “O-okay.”

“After all,” he says, “your mother and grandfather are coming home tonight.”

Yeah, I figured. “I-I don’t want you to go, though.”

Antonio smiles. “My dad will pick me up later on, so…”

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Antonio’s mom. He doesn’t really talk about her, either. She can’t be dead, right? “Take care, then,” I mumble. “You never know when you’ll fucking need me.”

“You sure it isn’t the other way around?” he laughs. I look away and glare at the ground, and he scoops me up in his arms. “Come over here. You’ll miss me, right? Right?”

“N-no, I won’t miss you, dammit!” I grumble. “Ugh.”

“But you will, right?” Antonio stares at me. “…Right?”

“Of course I will, stupid!” I groan. “I…I’ll stay up all fucking night, texting you and making sure you’re alright…I…I want you to hug me…” I’m crying now. “I don’t want you to go…”

“I’ll still visit,” he snorts. “It’s alright. Don’t cry…”

I sit up. “It’s fucking hot.”

“I-I’m sorry?” Antonio stammers, looking up at me. I take off my shirt, and toss it across the room. He raises his eyebrows. “I think you’re the one making the room heat up, Lovino.”

“Hmmhh…” I kick off my jeans, and move in closer to him. “You’re so warm…”

“W-well…” Antonio gives me an awkward smile. “Lovino, uhh…I’m not exactly sure what this means, ahahaha…what the hell am I supposed to do when my boyfriend is in bed with me, half naked?”

My face reddens. “What the fuck? I’m the virgin, not you!”

He shrugs. “Well, I’m half naked too, so…I guess that makes it even more awkward, hm?”

I sink down into the covers. “Hmph. Fair enough.”

There’s a knock on the door, and I roll off the bed. Literally.

Antonio frantically looks down at me. “Lovino? Are you-“

“They’re here,” I whisper. “Get dressed and act like we weren’t just in bed, about to make out like crazy.”

“But you definitely would’ve done that, right?” he laughs.

“Now, Antonio.” I scramble to get my pants and shirt on, while Antonio reaches for his bag.

As soon as we’re fully dressed, I pull out my PS4. “Just act natural,” I mumble. _“Two bros…five feet apart ‘cos they’re not gay.”_

“Really, Lovino,” he sighs.

“Veee? Hey, fratello, is there any food around?”

“It’s just Feliciano,” I whisper. “Don’t reply. Let’s get back to it.”

“Hmm? Get back to what-“

I press my lips to his, and grip onto his chest and shoulders. “This,” I breathe in between kisses, moving my hips against his. “There’s no harm in doing it again…hahhnnn…hhh…right?” I give him a little smile, and he kisses me.

“I love you so much,” he moans. “I love you…”

Our tongues are interwined, our fingers interlaced together. His lips trail little kisses down my neck, and he gives the nape of my neck a lick, before stopping to suck on it.

“A-ah…!” I tug onto his shirt. “I-it’s too much…nnnyahhh…”

“You’re so cute,” he sighs. “So, so, cute…mmhhmm…”

There’s a small, surrounding wetness in my boxers…on my crotch area. I’m fucking hard. I start to touch the area, slowly moving my fingertips up and down the bulge. “Ahhh…hnnnhhaahh…”

“Fuck,” Antonio breathes. “I…I don’t think I can hold on much longer, Lovi…hmmmh…”

…

…

…Footsteps.

…The door.

…

**…THE FUCKING DOOR.**

I stare at Antonio. “Antonio, someone’s at the door, and it’s not Feliciano.”

“Really?” Antonio opens up his phone. “Oh, never mind. I have to go home now, anyway. It’s probably my dad. I don’t think your mom and grandfather are back yet.”

“Your dad?” I groan. “W-we have to be quick, then. I’ll…just hide or something. I don’t have enough time to change.”

Antonio grins. “Oh, I just put on my jeans just then. It’s all good~”

What? How the fuck did he- “Oh.” I bite my lip. “Bye. I’ll miss you. Text me, okay?”

“Of course,” he says, unlocking and opening the door.

And…Antonio’s dad is standing there…with my mom.

…What the _fuck_? She’s already back?

“We need to talk,” my mother says, sitting beside Antonio. As if she forgot I existed, as always. “About you and Lovino.”

“Mom, I’m not gay,” I groan. I wince at the lie, and look down. She casts a glare towards me, before looking back at my boyfriend.

Antonio’s father sighs, and walks up to me. “Lovino, have you ever met your father?”

“No,” I mumble. “I’ve never known him.”

“I’ve never known my mother, either,” Antonio says. “For all I know, she was a hooker.”

His father goes a bit red in the face. “No, that was your birth mother. What about the woman who raised you?”

“There was a _woman_?” Antonio asks, gaping at him. “Dad, why did you never-“

“When you were a year old,” his father continues, “I had just divorced your birth mother for cheating on me. She was…a _prostitute_. And then I met another woman, who was pregnant at the time with a son.”

I…don’t fucking like where this is going, at all. “So...?” I’m feeling tense, like my heart is going to well up and fucking burst or something. “So…why are you telling him this, only now?”

“She gave birth, and we got married and lived as a family of four together,” Antonio’s father sighs. “Four years later, we went and got a divorce.”

“So…” Antonio looks even more scared and confused than I probably do. “So….what are you saying?”

“You two have grown up together all your life,” my mother says, “you were non-blood-related stepsiblings, and that’s why you two have been so close for years.”

"I am your stepfather," the man says, turning towards me. "Your birth father died years ago."

“No,” I sob. “No. I’m not going to fucking believe that.” I won’t even hold up against my fucking profanities. This is too fucking much. Why didn’t anyone fucking tell me?! Did Feliciano know? Did Romeo know?

“We’re getting remarried,” Antonio’s dad announces. “Starting from tonight, we will all live together as a family.”

Antonio is shaking. “A-at our house?” There’s a nod, and my boyfriend looks like he’s about to break. I’m trying to hold it in, but I still feel so fucking sick.

“So we’re all good with the plan?” Antonio’s father asks.

“I’m fine with it,” I quickly say. “It’s alright.”

“Lovino needs help with his studies, anyway,” Mom agrees. Antonio gives a silent nod, and stands up. I sink further into the covers of the bed.

I’ve always wanted to live with Antonio. But not like this. Nothing like this.

…How do I even feel about him now, dammit?


	11. Chapter 11

After Antonio left, I just…broke down.

I’ve been crying for twenty minutes now. And I’m still crying, dammit.

Why the fuck did this have to happen? I fucking…loved him. And I still love him. I…

“Stop crying like that,” my mother snaps. “Having another brother won’t be so bad. You were fine with Feliciano and Romeo.”

“You wouldn’t fucking understand,” I sob. “And I’m not going to fucking stand around and wait for you to understand, either.”

“And I really don’t,” she snorts. “I’m fine with you and your annoying hormones taking over, but keep your phases to yourself. It’s already painful enough knowing you’re gay.”

She knew? I glance up at her. “It’s not a phase.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” she sighs. “Maybe that older brother of yours can teach you a thing or two about being normal.”

“He’s not my fucking brother,” I mumble. “I’m going to bed.”

I ended up getting two texts from Antonio that night.

**‘baby im so sorry, ok? we can work this out somehow…’**

**‘hey, are u alright?’**

**‘you’re not answering me-‘**

**‘please answer me :(‘**

I give a sigh, and start to text him. He’ll only feel worse if I start to, uh…leave him on read.

‘hey’

‘I think ill stay home from school tomorrow,,,,im not really feeling well’

‘I need help with my hw idk’

‘whatever’

‘idc anyway’

And…there’s the spam of heart emojis. Fucking hell. Stop making me cry.

‘ilysm ok? pls don’t let this get you down!!’

I roll my eyes.

**‘ofc not, idiot. pretty sure I told you idc.’**

I flop down, and stare at the ceiling. I’m pretty sure that by now, probably everyone at school knows I’m fucking gay. Hell, even my mom knows.

\--

“You’re doing well in your studies lately,” my mother says.

It’s been three weeks since we started living in Antonio’s house. I’ve been trying to get over what happened in the past few weeks.

“Yeah,” I mumble. “Nothing really matters to me except my studies right now.” From the corner of my eye, I see Antonio twitch a little before walking back upstairs. Fuck him. I’m busy.

“That’s good,” Mom replies. “I’m glad you’re improving.”

I adjust my glasses. “I’ve finished. I will now take my break.”

Feliciano glances at me. “Hey, hey, can I come too?”

I shrug. “Sure.”

\--

“We need to fucking _talk_ ,” my brother snaps as soon as I close the door.

I stare at him. If Feliciano - God, Feliciano of all people - is cursing like that, then something’s definitely up. “What? Make it quick.”

“Why are you being so weird?” he asks. “It’s strange to see you like this - studying all the time, barely hanging out with anyone anymore…always acting mature…”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” I snort. “What’s your point?”

“My point is that you’re making me and everyone else sad,” Feliciano complains. “You’re no fun anymore.”

“That’s because your idea of ‘ _fun_ ’ is basically _pissing_ me the fuck off!!” I snap. “Get to the fucking point already.”

Feliciano bites his lip. “I-I already made my point, fratello…”

“Then get out. I’m going to bed.”

\--

“You know, I’m really proud of you, Lovino,” Antonio says. “Your grades are raising! I’m happy~”

“Yeah, yeah,” I sigh. “Whatever.”

“Hey, are you alright?” he asks, leaning forward. “I’m worried about you…”

“That’s nice,” I mumble. “You’re a good friend.”

Antonio stares at me. I look away, and he sits down next to me, letting out a sigh. “Lovino…what is our relationship to you right now?”

“Antonio, I’m fucking busy,” I mutter. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Urk.” He gives an awkward smile, and stands up. “Okay, then. I…I’ll talk to you later, then.”

“If I’m even available later,” I snort. He silently walks out of the room and shuts the door.

\--

“I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward earlier,” Antonio laughs. “Are you fine with us sharing a room? Your mom said we had to, ahahaha…but we already slept together in the same bed before, so I think it should be alright!”

I give him a confused look. “But Antonio, that was years ago. We were kids.”

“I’m…I’m sorry?”

“Geez, you really need more rest,” I sigh. “I’m just glad we’re in separate beds.”

“Lovino…” He sits down on the bed and stares at me. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Go to bed. Sleep.”

“…Okay.”

\--

I sit down beside him. “Antonio, it’s 3:00 AM. Why aren’t you sleeping, dammit?” I bite my lip and look down at him. “More so, why are you fucking crying?”

“Nothing,” he sighs. “I’m gonna sleep.”

“It’s not nothing,” I snort. “Tell me. I’m not that much of an asshole. We’re friends.”

“Friends?” Antonio mumbles. “Is that all we are?”

I swallow. “Yes.”

“Good night, Lovino.”

“God, you’re being weird. I’m gonna sleep.”

A small part of me feels hella bad for him, but I push that small part aside. I need to get over it. I need to pretend like nothing happened.

I get out of bed and lean over him. “You’re still awake. I can see you.”

“…”

“Antonio. Tell me.”

“…I’m lonely…”

I roll my eyes. “Antonio, you’re nineteen. I’m pretty sure you can-“

He suddenly reaches for my hand. His face is stained with tears.

“If you don’t want me to explain, then the least you could do is stay with me.”

“You’re weird,” I sigh. “I…”

“I don’t know what happened,” he says, taking in a breath, “but I fucking miss you, Lovino.”

I bite my lip, and hold his hand. I’m sweating - I don’t know what the hell to do. I squeeze his hand. “Stop crying and sleep. I’ll talk to you about it when I’m ready.”

“You’ve been ignoring me for three weeks. And when you didn’t ignore me, you were pretending like our relationship never happened. Like there was nothing between us. And you’re telling me not to worry?”

“I know, I know,” I sigh. “I…I’m sorry.”

“Damn right you should be,” he whispers. “I’m just worried. I don’t want you to be sad because of me.”

I’m tempted to kiss him, but I refrain and sit back down. “…Good night.”


	12. uwu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um.
> 
> Despite the beginning of this chapter containing *cough cough* s e x ,,,,,,,,
> 
> ,,,,this chapter is actually pretty fluffy-
> 
> that's all imma say :D

_Thrusting._

_Faster and faster._

A string of ragged moans and gasps release from my lips. Barely noticing that I’m drooling from the corner of my mouth, I snap my hips forward, desperate for more. “Ahhh…a-aaahhhnnnhh!! Nnnghhaahhh~!”

He takes my moans of pleasure as a hint for him to speed up. I feel his fingertips brush against my curl, and I let out another loud moan, throwing my arms around him. I want to be closer to him. This is…this is too fucking much…!

I’m going to break…I…I love it so much…God, I’m coming…!!

Just for a little moment, my eyes flutter open - so I can just take a little peek at him. Antonio’s holding my hand, and he manages a small smile. “H-haahhh…L-Lovino, my dear…hahhnnhh…is…is it good…?...ahhh…hahhhh…”

“Nnnhh…of course it is,” I reply. Embarrassed, I look away. “D-don’t listen to my weird sounds, dammit. I sound…weird. Like I’m not being myself or something.”

Antonio thrusts harder, and I throw my head back in pleasure. He cups a hand to my cheek, and looks down at me. “Lovino…hnnhh…the…the reason why I love hearing those sounds of yours…is because you truly are being yourself.” Tears form on the corners of his eyes. “You’re…you’re beautiful, my dear. And it makes me so happy knowing that you’re satisfied.”

“I…I’m gonna come soon,” I moan, trying to stabilize my shaky voice. Tears roll down my cheeks, and I throw my arms around him.

_“I…I love you…so much…!”_

\--

My eyes flutter open, and I stare at the ceiling. I push my bangs out of my eyes, and sit up, looking over on the other side of the room. In the other bed next to me, Antonio is still asleep.

I walk over, stopping to sit by him. Smiling to myself, I reach out to stroke his hair. It’s so soft.

He looks beautiful even when he’s asleep. I’m glad he managed to get a decent amount of sleep. Antonio was crying so much last night, it actually kind of scared me. He’s usually the type to hide his feelings and cover them up with a smile.

Maybe...we don’t have to completely shun out our relationship, I think to myself, looking down at him. But…that’s a **maybe** , of course.

Letting out a sigh, I stand up and walk towards the door. It’s the weekend, so I probably should do something nice for him today. Besides, I’ve already studied a lot this week, and I feel bad for the poor guy.

Still, though…

I glance back at him and smile. Even if it were a dream…I can still hope for the future, right? Nothing wrong with that.

\--

“I think we should take a break from our relationship.”

Antonio gapes at me. “But-“

“Antonio, as much as I loved you,” I say, wincing at the use of the past tense, “we’re basically stepsiblings. What would people think? Even I think that’s gross.”

“We aren’t blood related at all,” he points out. “Our parents are just hooking up.”

“And what are we supposed to do?” I sigh. “Try to break them apart?”

“Maybe.”

“Fucking impossible!” I yell. Immediately realizing my mistake, I put a hand to my mouth. “S-sorry.” Antonio’s startled expression melts into a gentle smile, and he starts to slowly stroke my hair.

“Don’t rush, darling,” he muses. “I’ll give you time to think.” In realization, he twirls around to stare at me. “S-sorry. Didn’t mean to call you ‘darling’.”

I blush and look away, shivering at the affection in his voice. “N-no, it’s…fine.”

Antonio stares at me, and there’s some sort of hesitation in his expression. Like he’s unsure on whether he should say what he wants to say or not. “Umm…by the way…were you alright last night? You were making these weird noises, and…hmm…”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” I quickly say, walking away. “D-don’t fucking worry about it, ahahahha…haha…” I wince as I make my way out the door.

\--

I’m…not gay.

…Not anymore, that is. I don’t know if I even love him anymore. I just have to try to control myself, that’s all.

I suddenly get reminded of my dream last night, and blush like crazy. Fuckkkkk. Why did that have to come up in my head? Dammit…

I mean…having sex with him doesn’t sound like a bad idea…right?

Fuck, why am I thinking of shit like this? Ugh…

Anyway, I need to try to figure out on what to say if my friends ask about it, hmm…

I glance over at my boyfrie- err…Antonio. “Hey, what if Clarisse or someone asks about our relationship?”

“Maybe just tell them the truth,” he suggests, giving a little shrug. I shake my head.

“That we’re living together because our parents are hooking up?” I snort. “No way.” I bite my lip, sighing in exasperation. “Hmm…should I just tell them we broke up? That it didn’t work out?”

It takes him a while before he’s finally able to answer, but he nods. “Sure.”

I feel like crying too whenever I think about what happened in the past few weeks. “It was so sudden, wasn’t it?” I sigh, remembering the pain of sobbing for over an hour after hearing about our parents. “They just…walked in and told us. Just like that.”

“I know,” he sighs. “But you don’t hate me, right?”

“No,” I sigh. “I don’t.”

“Do you still love me?”

The overwhelming question sparks a minute of silence, and I bite my lip. Do I still love him? Does he still love me?

I…I mean, I don’t want to lose him just because of this. Hell no. I don’t want to be alone. I lo-

…

…No…that’s not it, dammit…

I squeeze his hand. “I won’t ignore you anymore, so don’t cry, okay?”

Antonio pouts his lip and frowns at the ground. “But I’m sad. You don’t love me anymore, do you?”

Before I can answer, the thoughts fill my head again - and I stop myself. Fuck. This fucking question. “It’s not that I don’t,” I mumble. “I told you. We just have to…tone it down, I guess. Take a break or something.”

“So I can’t hug or kiss you anymore?” he sighs. I shrug.

“At least not now.”

In exasperation, I bite my lip and throw my arms around him. I feel fucking horrible. He’s been feeling this way all because of me, and it’s been weeks already. “M-maybe we can still hug,” I stutter. He’s so warm, I think to myself. I start blushing, and put my face into his chest. “I…I missed this, dammit.”

The dream still lingers in the back of my mind, and I feel my face get noticeably hotter. It’s fucking embarrassing, and I won’t ever admit it out loud - no matter what fucking happens, but…

…I…wouldn’t mind, dammit.

I…I just want to stay with him like this. Just for a bit.


End file.
